September 3rd, 2010
Today, we end our three part series on Culture; with a concluding post from guest, Tim Driver. There have been many requests that Mr. Driver visit more often; and address issues that readers have. This is great feedback, and we’re going to do it! ;0) If you have “situations” or “issues” that you would like him to address, please e-mail them to helms.teri@gmail.com and put “Driver’s Ed” in the subject line. Tim will now be contributing to TommyMom monthly, if not more often.


This photo of Mr. Driver was taken in London, England, in the storage area of the Hard Rock Cafe’; when he took the two oldest punks students in our family, to play and “study” historic sites with him. Just so you know…he doesn’t play the guitar, either. Over and out.
If you have been here for all 3 culture articles…
let me know where to mail your clay snake!
For a quick review…
Culture 1 was about Define, Model, Shape, Reinforce.
Culture 2 was about how to deal with those INSIDE the culture…
who would otherwise attempt to defy the “absolutes”.
( I think the video might be called 8 minute Abs-olutes)
Today’s third and final segment…
is about keeping your culture in tact…
despite attacks from OUTSIDE cultures or influences.
This is really a two pronged exploration as well.
The balance lies in how much we protect those in our culture…
FROM the outside influences that otherwise might damage them, or our entire culture…
versus how much to expose the people in our culture TO those outside influences…
so that they can stand on their own two feet…
defending their core values without being “sheltered”.
Tough question huh?
1 or 24 of you have asked yourselves that before, have you?
Here’s my attempt at an answer.
Let me start with a story to emphasize the “protective” aspect.
Jenni came from what could be the most dysfunctional family situation I have ever witnessed.
I am proud to say that Jenni came out the other side in tact, and actually thriving.
A true testament to her courage and fortitude.
I consider her my friend.
At the time of this story, she was my student.
Through some fault of her own, but mostly through the fault of her extreme circumstances, Jenni was at the point where if she missed 1 more day of school, she was done.
Expelled.
Game over.
She could see the end of the world without the use of any ocular enhancements.
She could not miss for ANY reason.
Not illness…
not a Dr. appointment…
NOTHING.
She knew there was no wiggle room…
as most at-risk kids do when they reach the edge of the globe…
and had been very careful to be early and attending every day…
for almost 3 months straight.
Success was on her radar now.
She had bought into our culture.
One morning there was no Jenni.
I was worried as the clock got closer and closer to 8:15.
Still no Jenni.
Finally at about 8:12 the phone rang.
Jenni was sobbing hysterically.
Through the sobs Jenni was able to communicate that her alcoholic/drug addicted father…
( that was the mild part of the family dynamic)…
had been out all night…
had come home and thrown all of her stuff out on the lawn…
and was holding a gun in his mouth…
and telling her to go to school so he could kill himself.
Be Jenni for a moment.
If you go, you may lose your dad.
If you stay, your entire future could be jeopardized.
Be ME for a moment.
If I tell her she will be expelled if she doesn’t show,…
she is pressured to potentially lose her dad.
If I don’t report her as absent…
I could lose my job…
(potentially)…
and all the kids that are in the program are looking at me…
to see if I’m going to support the “absolutes”…
or make an exception.
I also know that if I make an exception for her somehow…
that they will all feel the sense of entitlement…
to make an excuse in their own situations down the road.
This is what I miss about working with these kids.
I love these situations!
If you look back…
you’ll remember I said that absolutes…
should only be compromised in EXTREME circumstances.
This qualified.
I told Jenni to hold the line for a moment.
I told the other teacher, when I gave her the signal…
to put the phone on “speaker”.
I read the roll.
When I got to Jenni’s name…
I called her out.
It hadn’t sunk in with her yet.
I called her name again.
It clicked!
She yelled out, “I’m HERE!”
I said, “Very good Jenni, now you can get to work on that math from yesterday’s assignment.”
“Thank you SO much Mr. Driver.”
I canceled social studies for 1st period that day.
History wasn’t nearly as important as the present.
I explained to the kids why an exception and ‘creative’ problem solving was necessary.
I also told them why the absolutes were still important…
and that if they were ever in such dire straights…
they could count on me to creatively problem solve for them…
but not to count on it for their other lame excuses. :0)
They totally got it.
Say what you want about at-risk kids,…
but they ALWAYS rally in the midst of other people’s drama.
I love them for that.
What’s the point?
Well…
there are times where external forces seek to destroy the strong culture you’ve established.
These cultures mock your standards…
flagrantly fly in the face of your group’s morals or beliefs…
or slowly try to undermine the importance of such core values.
In extreme circumstances…
it is okay to bend the absolutes in order to avoid disaster…
and to promote the greater good.
If you find that exceptions are coming along more and more frequently however…
exception is probably more the rule…
than…the exception.
The second part of the question however…
deals with how much we should let those in our culture…
stand for themselves in the midst of such external challenge.
Kids especially…
need PRACTICE at defining, demonstrating, and defending their core values.
If you step in every time there is a conflict with a coach…
friend…
adult…
boss…
or community member…
you are doing them a DISservice.
I spoke with a man that did all the hiring of engineers for the Boeing Company.
He told me, much to my shock…
that Boeing was actually having to train hiring managers…
how to deal with the PARENTS of the people applying for engineering jobs.
He further stated that parents would call…
asking why their son/daughter was not given the position…
or would even show up to interviews!
The lesson?
If you solve all your kids problems…
and fight all their battles…
you’ll be doing it until you die.
The same is true in a team or company setting.
If people are never allowed to stand on their own…
they’ll always be reliant on others.
Some companies LIKE it this way…
as it keeps their employees “weak”.
I disagree with this approach.
Instead…
allow for “safe risks” that those in your culture can take.
Don’t shelter them from opposing viewpoints…
have them STUDY them.
As a coach myself…
the more I know about my opponent…
the better prepared I can be.
Something along the lines of…
“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”…
comes to mind.
Where do you want your kids taking risks?
When kids who have been sheltered get out on their own…
and realize there are “other morals” and “other beliefs”…
they have not had the practice of defending or solidifying in their own minds…
WHY their values stand the test of time and turmoil.
It is then they either fold and give in to the counter culture…
or come running back for someone else to fight the battle.
Letting our culture members struggle a bit may be one of the hardest things leaders have to do.
But what if a parent never let their child fall when trying to walk?
They would be carrying them their whole life.
Bingo.
I’m not suggesting never helping.
But the FORM that help takes makes all the difference.
Advice
Asking great questions…
“What are YOU going to do about that, son? What’s your plan?”
Reminding of the values and defining them again…
for THEIR decision making.
Modeling the right behaviors…
so that they can emulate them on their own.
In summary…
there will NEVER be a time where your culture isn’t under attack.
But stressing about it…
or being overprotective doesn’t help the situation.
Instead…
it makes it worse.
Exceptions can and DO exist…
but they are only for extreme cases.
Hopefully this trilogy on culture has been helpful.
You are ALWAYS welcome to contact me with questions and “what ifs”.
I will do whatever I can to help.
If you would like to make a contribution…
I could use some new Play-Doh.
My blue has mistakenly blended with my white…
and I can’t do a THING with either of them!
Best,
Tim-
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