Culture, part 3

Today, we end our three part series on Culture; with a concluding post from guest, Tim Driver.  There have been many requests that Mr. Driver visit more often; and address issues that readers have.  This is great feedback, and we’re going to do it! ;0)  If you have “situations” or “issues” that you would like him to address, please e-mail them to helms.teri@gmail.com and put “Driver’s Ed” in the subject line.  Tim will now be contributing to TommyMom monthly, if not more often.

This photo of Mr. Driver was taken in London, England, in the storage area of the Hard Rock Cafe’; when he took the two oldest punks students in our family, to play and “study” historic sites with him.  Just so you know…he doesn’t play the guitar, either.  Over and out.

If you have been here for all 3 culture articles…

let me know where to mail your clay snake!

For a quick review…

Culture 1 was about Define, Model, Shape, Reinforce.

Culture 2 was about how to deal with those INSIDE the culture…

who would otherwise attempt to defy the “absolutes”.

( I think the video might be called 8 minute Abs-olutes)

Today’s third and final segment…

is about keeping your culture in tact…

despite attacks from OUTSIDE cultures or influences.

This is really a two pronged exploration as well.

The balance lies in how much we protect those in our culture…

FROM the outside influences that otherwise might damage them, or our entire culture…

versus how much to expose the people in our culture TO those outside influences…

so that they can stand on their own two feet…

defending their core values without being “sheltered”.

Tough question huh?

1 or 24 of you have asked yourselves that before, have you?

Here’s my attempt at an answer.

Let me start with a story to emphasize the “protective” aspect.

Jenni came from what could be the most dysfunctional family situation I have ever witnessed.

I am proud to say that Jenni came out the other side in tact, and actually thriving.

A true testament to her courage and fortitude.

I consider her my friend.

At the time of this story, she was my student.

Through some fault of her own, but mostly through the fault of her extreme circumstances, Jenni was at the point where if she missed 1 more day of school, she was done.

Expelled.

Game over.

She could see the end of the world without the use of any ocular enhancements.

She could not miss for ANY reason.

Not illness…

not a Dr. appointment…

NOTHING.

She knew there was no wiggle room…

as most at-risk kids do when they reach the edge of the globe…

and had been very careful to be early and attending every day…

for almost 3 months straight.

Success was on her radar now.

She had bought into our culture.

One morning there was no Jenni.

I was worried as the clock got closer and closer to 8:15.

Still no Jenni.

Finally at about 8:12 the phone rang.

Jenni was sobbing hysterically.

Through the sobs Jenni was able to communicate that her alcoholic/drug addicted father…

( that was the mild part of the family dynamic)…

had been out all night…

had come home and thrown all of her stuff out on the lawn…

and was holding a gun in his mouth…

and telling her to go to school so he could kill himself.

Be Jenni for a moment.

If you go, you may lose your dad.

If you stay, your entire future could be jeopardized.

Be ME for a moment.

If I tell her she will be expelled if she doesn’t show,…

she is pressured to potentially lose her dad.

If I don’t report her as absent…

I could lose my job…

(potentially)…

and all the kids that are in the program are looking at me…

to see if I’m going to support the “absolutes”…

or make an exception.

I also know that if I make an exception for her somehow…

that they will all feel the sense of entitlement…

to make an excuse in their own situations down the road.

This is what I miss about working with these kids.

I love these situations!

If you look back…

you’ll remember I said that absolutes…

should only be compromised in EXTREME circumstances.

This qualified.

I told Jenni to hold the line for a moment.

I told the other teacher, when I gave her the signal…

to put the phone on “speaker”.

I read the roll.

When I got to Jenni’s name…

I called her out.

It hadn’t sunk in with her yet.

I called her name again.

It clicked!

She yelled out, “I’m HERE!”

I said, “Very good Jenni, now you can get to work on that math from yesterday’s assignment.”

“Thank you SO much Mr. Driver.”

I canceled social studies for 1st period that day.

History wasn’t nearly as important as the present.

I explained to the kids why an exception and ‘creative’ problem solving was necessary.

I also told them why the absolutes were still important…

and that if they were ever in such dire straights…

they could count on me to creatively problem solve for them…

but not to count on it for their other lame excuses. :0)

They totally got it.

Say what you want about at-risk kids,…

but they ALWAYS rally in the midst of other people’s drama.

I love them for that.

What’s the point?

Well…

there are times where external forces seek to destroy the strong culture you’ve established.

These cultures mock your standards…

flagrantly fly in the face of your group’s morals or beliefs…

or slowly try to undermine the importance of such core values.

In extreme circumstances…

it is okay to bend the absolutes in order to avoid disaster…

and to promote the greater good.

If you find that exceptions are coming along more and more frequently however…

exception is probably more the rule…

than…the exception.

The second part of the question however…

deals with how much we should let those in our culture…

stand for themselves in the midst of such external challenge.

Kids especially…

need PRACTICE at defining, demonstrating, and defending their core values.

If you step in every time there is a conflict with a coach…

friend…

adult…

boss…

or community member…

you are doing them a DISservice.

I spoke with a man that did all the hiring of engineers for the Boeing Company.

He told me, much to my shock…

that Boeing was actually having to train hiring managers…

how to deal with the PARENTS of the people applying for engineering jobs.

He further stated that parents would call…

asking why their son/daughter was not given the position…

or would even show up to interviews!

The lesson?

If you solve all your kids problems…

and fight all their battles…

you’ll be doing it until you die.

The same is true in a team or company setting.

If people are never allowed to stand on their own…

they’ll always be reliant on others.

Some companies LIKE it this way…

as it keeps their employees “weak”.

I disagree with this approach.

Instead…

allow for “safe risks” that those in your culture can take.

Don’t shelter them from opposing viewpoints…

have them STUDY them.

As a coach myself…

the more I know about my opponent…

the better prepared I can be.

Something along the lines of…

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”…

comes to mind.

Where do you want your kids taking risks?

When kids who have been sheltered get out on their own…

and realize there are “other morals” and “other beliefs”…

they have not had the practice of defending or solidifying in their own minds…

WHY their values stand the test of time and turmoil.

It is then they either fold and give in to the counter culture…

or come running back for someone else to fight the battle.

Letting our culture members struggle a bit may be one of the hardest things leaders have to do.

But what if a parent never let their child fall when trying to walk?

They would be carrying them their whole life.

Bingo.

I’m not suggesting never helping.

But the FORM that help takes makes all the difference.
Advice
Asking great questions…

“What are YOU going to do about that, son? What’s your plan?”
Reminding of the values and defining them again…

for THEIR decision making.

Modeling the right behaviors…

so that they can emulate them on their own.

In summary…

there will NEVER be a time where your culture isn’t under attack.

But stressing about it…

or being overprotective doesn’t help the situation.

Instead…

it makes it worse.

Exceptions can and DO exist…

but they are only for extreme cases.

Hopefully this trilogy on culture has been helpful.

You are ALWAYS welcome to contact me with questions and “what ifs”.

I will do whatever I can to help.

If you would like to make a contribution…

I could use some new Play-Doh.

My blue has mistakenly blended with my white…

and I can’t do a THING with either of them!

Best,
Tim-

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Culture, part 2

Today, we continue our presentation and discussion of “Culture” here on TommyMom. Our guest is Tim Driver.  For more information on Mr. Driver, you can refer back to the post on Friday, August 27th; if you haven’t already read it.

Last time we chatted, the discussion centered around Define, Model, Shape, Reinforce…

and clay snakes.

Admittedly it looks great on paper…

and when dealing with a majority of the population…

it actually works in real life, too.

As Yogi Berra once said, “In theory, theory and reality are the same. In reality, they’re not.”

Having worked with at-risk youth for quite a stretch, my knee jerk reaction is always to ask the unpopular question…
“What do you do when people don’t buy in, or intentionally try to sabotage what we are doing?”

The silence can be deafening.

It’s time to break the silence.

The best way to approach this problem is with a two-pronged attack.

First, how do you PREVENT people from ever getting to a place…

where they are bent on defiance and sabotage…

and second, if it’s too late…

how do you get people to RETURN to going with the flow?

ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY

You can prevent future defiance by having some absolutes in place.

These are definitely related to the core values.

The common phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind.

Kids, adults, and everyone in between should be held accountable to SOME absolutes within any culture.

Simply put, “This NEVER happens here” or “This ALWAYS happens here.”

Be very strategic about what you pick for your absolutes, as they will set the tone or “flavor” of your home, business, team, or group.

It is better to state one’s absolutes in the positive.

For instance…

instead of “We NEVER lie” try “We are ALWAYS truthful.”

This sets a more positive tone and reinforces what you DO want vs. what you don’t want.

Make certain that EVERYONE is aware of the consequences that take place when these absolutes are broken and make SURE to follow through the FIRST time and EVERY time when these are violated.

Absolutes should never be bargained unless an extremely rare situation arises.

More on this if I’m ever asked back.

It is this consistency that will also help rebellious participants conform.

While they may test the limits right out of the chute, or inch their way closer and closer to them…

the chaos creators will actually find a comfort in knowing that absolutes DO exist…

and that they are enforced with predictability.

It’s when random enforcement, or favoritism occurs…

that the pot stirrers will intentionally bring things to an overflowing boil.

Sometimes they will attempt to create an inconsistency.

Don’t fall for it.

Picture these absolutes as the steel cage that holds your culture together.

MICRO WAVE GOODBYE

With a strong predictable framework in place, it gives leaders the ability to be more flexible on the individual circumstances.

Avoid micro managing.

Not EVERYTHING is an absolute!

Even though my mother may have uttered, “You are ABSOLUTELY going to eat those brussel sprouts!”…

thankfully, iron enrichment was not an “absolute” in our family.

This is the trickiest part of “everyday” culture building.

Allow me to paint a picture with words…

since my watercolor skills are worthless.

Parent says to the kid, “You agreed that if I let you have a Snickers after school, that you’d eat all your vegetables at dinner.”

Kid responds, ” I HATE beets. They SUCK!”

(Though I’m sure none of my nephews pictured above have ever bellowed such nonsense.)

Parent thinks to themselves, “Beets are not a core value, I really don’t much care for them either. Is this really worth going to war over?”

Some parents might try the “Well I’m going to make you carrots then, and you have to eat all of those” ploy.

Others might rely on the time tested, “You’re not leaving this table until every one of those beets is eaten!” strategy.

Can I interject here?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT VEGETABLES IN ANY WAY!

Parents who choose the first option are bargaining with what seems a reasonable alternative, substituting a lesser evil.

They miss a huge message that is flying below the radar.

For me, when I hear this stuff, it’s like nails on the chalkboard.

The only thing that makes this approach worse is the icing on the cake…

“It just isn’t worth fighting.”

Parents who choose option two are being totally rigid about something that should never be a line in the sand………beets.

Your teenager will point this out.

“You’re really gonna get mad about beets, mom?”

This tip is no extra charge……NEVER EVER EVER argue with a teenager…

or any kid for that matter…

you’ll lose.

They aren’t smarter…

they just don’t have the logic and you’ll go in circles.

So what is the answer Tim?

( Those who peeked down here early……….I know who you are)

“No, I’m not upset about beets. I want you to live up to your word. That is what we do in this house. You gave me your word, and I need to be able to trust that.”

“Well it’s really no big deal, I’ll eat more tomorrow.”

(notice the clever ploy at trying to make it once again about vegetables? I’m tellin’ ya, DON’T argue with ‘em)

“Eating more tomorrow will not help you keep your word tonight. When you start to date or to drive, I need to know that your word is good!”

( raise the drama factor)  ” I can’t believe you’re saying that if I don’t eat these beets, I can’t drive or date. That’s stupid!.”

“Actually, I said that if I can’t trust your word, you can’t drive or date. How about just finishing them up?”

Now here is another danger zone folks.

There may be eye rolling, there may be a little ‘tude even.

But as long as they begin to follow through, let those things slide a bit.

You have won the MAJOR battle reinforcing an absolute.

As long as the disrespect level is low, allow for some frustration…

or you’ll be micromanaging.

What if they still refuse given the above scenario?

Well I would make sure that as excited as they get…

I am balancing it out on the mellow scale.

But a simple “stating of what is” can be a good strategy.

“Now you are not only going back on your word, but you are directly defying what I am asking you to do.”

This takes us to the third and final point.

( Thank the LORD! When is this guy gonna go play with his clay and leave us alone?)

CHOICE OFFERINGS

Giving defiant folks a choice can disarm them a bit…

but if not, it draws a line in the sand on THEIR beach…

not yours.

To continue the above scenario……

“Because you are not living up to your word, and are being defiant to what I’m asking you to do, you have a choice.

You can either ( state the consequences that have been laid out ahead of time when an absolute is not followed)
or you can finish your beets.

How important is this issue of not eating your beets to you?”

Notice the amazing crafty ploy of bringing it back to a simple issue of vegetables to DE-escalate the situation.

It’s brought back to veggies on YOUR terms.

Hey, I’m a veteran who served hard at-risk time…

these are secrets you’ll never find elsewhere!

At this point the defiant one actually thinks…

“Do I want (consequence) for not eating these?”

Maybe so.

Some really want to prove their stubbornness or not lose face.

If they serve the penalty, so be it.

Your absolute remains in tact, and the consequence has been reinforced.

Three footnotes.

1. Don’t sit and threaten for 45 minutes in hopes they will change their minds. Present the choice once, give time for thought. Present it a second time and say you need an answer or you will decide for them.
“Two and DO” is my term for that strategy. This works great when kids are watching TV/ on the computer and you say, “Turn that off and clean your room.”
Say it twice, then shut it off yourself if you’re being ignored. Watch how fast they move next time.

2. The choice should always be between Absolute and Consequence.

3. Once the absolute has been followed or the punishment served, literally start with a clean slate in your attitude toward the defiant one. Mistakes are part of growth. Conflict is the beginning of bigger solutions.
See them as great “shaping” opportunities.

In summary of this encyclopedic volume…

build a solid framework by having non-negotiable absolutes.

Then use every day circumstances to put “meat” on the skeleton.

Finally, don’t forget to give yourselves opportunities to be the “good guy” and “give in” on some things occasionally that have nothing to do with absolutes.

For instance…

“I’ve changed my mind and decided to let you stay over night at your friend’s house”.

The next episode is about fighting attack to your culture from the outside.

I do consult for a fee…

you have to finish all my pottery homework for me.

Tim

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Animal School

Click on the link below my signature, to enjoy this short, thought provoking  YouTube video.

It is a beautiful example of what Leadership Education is all about.

Here’s to continuing to create cultures that produce leaders!

Until Wednesday,

Animal School

Filed under Leadership Education | Comments (3)

Culture: Define, Model, Shape, and Reinforce

Tim Driver is Co-Principal of Insight School of Washington; which has an enrollment of just under 4,000 high school students.  Mr. Driver has done notable work in the field of At-Risk Youth for 20 years, and has coached multiple sports at the high school level for over 25.  He speaks to parents and students regularly on character and virtues that are needed for ultimate success in life.

He is also my “little” brother, and an “uncle extraordinaire” to my sons; as indicated by the picture below from “days gone by.”

Let me start by saying that in my conversation with my sister, I mentioned facing forward in an ELEVATOR, not an ESCALATOR.

I’m sure this syntax error was due to too much time spent in malls by my sibling.

With that said, I am happy to discuss culture, and the complexities that can surround it. My desire is to try and simplify the concept, making it a skill to be used in your coping toolbox!

Let’s dig in!

Culture in a sentence: “This is the way things are done here (in this family, in this company, etc.)”

Creating a culture from scratch: Starting a new family, organization etc. is exciting and scary!

All too often we wait until things are not going well before we realize….”We should have thought about that back when we started.”  (Guilty, your honor)

So within this culture building model, the process is to “Define, Model, Shape, and Reinforce”.

Regardless of whether you are starting from scratch or drastically trying to change course and save the SS Minnow from shipwreck…

( hopefully the Gilligan’s Island reference isn’t lost on this crowd)

the best way to initiate a culture is to agree upon a set of “core values”and DEFINE them.

Much like the pillars of TJEd, ( Yes, I’ve done a little homework…..probably more than I did in high school, actually) core values should be broad in nature, so that they cover multiple situations and limit the number of “rules” that are necessary.

For instance, if “Integrity” is one of the core values you want your family to stand for, then there is no need to have “honesty” as another, because honesty is part of having integrity.

When a situation comes up involving telling the truth, it can be dealt with this way: “Because this family is about integrity, we are always honest, even when it doesn’t serve our best interest.”

In doing so, a reminder is given of  the core values, and a connection is made that gives a child the “why” where honesty is concerned.

We don’t have to have rules for every situation.

When a cashier gives us too much money back, we don’t have to consult the rulebook to Category 4, subsection 4.23.33 paragraph 11. ( is it any wonder why government has lost all sight of any core value?)

Instead, we simply say, taking money that isn’t ours lacks integrity.

You can see why the definitions of the core values are so critical.

Keep the definitions brief and understandable, but sturdy.

Imagine if Enron, AIG and others had defined values from the get go. (More on this in another segment)

The next step in the process is to MODEL these core values.

Live them.

Wow, that was easy.

Be aware that those who you are installing the culture FOR, will be MORE than willing to point out when YOU do not live up to the core values yourself.

NOTHING kills a culture faster, giving everyone the right to make excuses or exceptions, than leaders who don’t follow their own rules.

Believe it or not, part of the Columbine disaster was due to administration not holding the more popular kids accountable. (double standard)

By the same token, NOTHING gives more STRENGTH to these life skills, than watching the leaders hold themselves accountable to them, and to all those who have committed to the same guiding pillars.

I was a horrible art student. Stick people were a challenge.

The culture at Tommy Mom is “artsy fartsy” with the colored lettering and photo montage pieces………..that ain’t me.

In pottery, specifically clay…

ashtrays were a pinnacle for me.

I was more the “I can roll a snake” kinda student.

But when it comes to people, correction/evaluation should take the mentality of SHAPING.

Correction is a process.

Situations are used to trim a little here, pinch a little there,  and sculpt a bit on the back end perhaps. ;0)
Regardless of your discipline philosophy, it should be used to “change behavior”.

One way to keep correction positive is to state what you want rather than harping on the negative.

Rather than saying, “You complain a lot, and you have a bad attitude”, it is more effective in reinforcing the culture to say, “We are about joy in this family, and I need your actions to reflect that.”

Be careful however…

that very phrase will be spit back at you the next time you’re in a foul mood.

Obviously there are times where we have to identify what the negative behaviors are, so that a connection can be made, but spend more time stating what the standard is, rather than how it wasn’t met.

You’ll be amazed at how those “bad attitudes” happen less often.

REINFORCING is the last piece of culture creation.

By reinforcing, you motivate others to continue the positive things they are doing, and allow for further training, modeling, shaping, etc.

The biggest thing to consider when reinforcing is NOT to wait for perfection before encouraging.

ANYTHING closer to the desired outcome should be recognized.

You don’t have to throw a parade and bring in a petting zoo, but even a “that’s better than last time” will quash discouragement.

The second most important thing with regards to reinforcing is “reward effort”. If you only praise and scold based on “results”, your culture will struggle or at best, be erratic.

Sometimes kids get results without putting forth the effort they should. This breeds lazy intellectuals. ;0)

Other times, people work extremely hard, only to find the results less than satisfying.

For example, you tell a child to clean the yard. They work for 3 hours, but leave little swaths unmowed, and weeds here and there. If you point out, “you missed these spots”…

what they will hear is, “It doesn’t matter how hard I try”.

You will get less EFFORT next time.

Instead, if you say, “I know you put a ton of time in and worked really hard on this yard, let me help you finish some of these spots”…

what they will hear is, “EFFORT MATTERS, my technique just needs to be shaped a little.”

Always reward effort and you will get more effort.

Hopefully this gives a little start to installing or recreating a culture.

There are more things to consider, such as how to defend your culture against outside attacks…

what to do when members refuse to live by the core values…

and other fun items for party discussion.

If anyone is interested in these topics, I can write again.

Otherwise I’m going back to sweating over my clay ashtray construction.

Best
Tim

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What’s your “Culture” lookin’ like?

And the winner is…Tammie Lewis!  (raucous applause and cheering…)

Tammie is now equipped with both really cute “To Do” and “What’s Cookin?” wipe off household boards courtesy of Christy Gandara at One Creative Bug. I apologize for the brain lapse where this giveaway was concerned, folks!  And thanks to everyone that commented! Your input helps to continue to reinforce and build the virtual Leadership Education Community here on TommyMom.

I was talking with a friend last week…

that has chosen public education…

for her children.

They are a remarkable family.

It’s one of those…

in which leadership is defined…

by being servant-based…

quiet…

but very strong.

She and I concluded…

that culture…

is honestly…

the key to success…

or failure…

in most everything.

Culture as defined in Webster’s 1828 Dictionary is…

“The application of labor or other means to improve good qualities in, or growth;

as the culture of the mind:

the culture of virtue…  Any labor or means employed for improvement, correction or growth.”

So often…

people focus…

primarily on method…

and methodology.

Reality dictates…

that cultures…

both created…

and non-spoken…

are powerful influences…

in outcome.

For instance…

when people ask Hero Hubby and I…

“how did we achieve…

(fill in the blank) with our children?”

Many times…

the answer stems from the culture…

that we have consciously created for our family.

And again…

we really must also consider…

the power of influence in what we don’t say…

where culture is concerned as well.

I was discussing this…

with my punk …

quite-possibly-overly-qualified brother today.

As always…

he had multiple insights…

going many directions…

with tremendous examples…

that left me thinking…

thinking…

thinking.

He generally has that effect on me…

when we’re having conversations like this.

Follow along if you will…

Text: “Are you at football practice?”

“No.”

“May I call you?”

He calls.

Tim: “What’s up?’

Me:”I’m wanting to discuss “culture”…

for the next few days on TommyMom.

Will you write an article?”

Tim: “Sure…

That’s a mighty wide open topic….

that could go so many different directions.”

Me: “Which is why I’d like you…

to take it in a couple of different ones”…

(proceeding to name the ones I had in mind.)

Tim: “Well, yes…

but what about all of the other directions…

that come to mind?

What about majority culture…

that influences…

the minority one you’ve created?”

Or…

“How do you change an undesirable culture?”

Then there is always…

“Unspoken Culture.”

“For instance…

why do we always ride escalators facing forward?

No one told us we had to do that.

It’s an unspoken given in our culture.”

See, readers…

this is what takes up valuable time!

It’s simply one more thing to ponder!

When I ride the escalator…

on any given “trip”…

I may or may not be facing forward…

due to several notable articles of fashion…

that are possibly traveling the other direction!

Oh, yes, indeed….

we are very different people.

With nearly identical values.

Hello, Andy Stanley tension…

on a very regular basis!

So…

start thinking about…

and noticing…

“cultures.”

I promise you…

really…

truly…

when Friday…

and several other intermittent days…

come rolling around…

and “Driver’s Ed” is posted…

you’re in for a real treat!

Until then,

Filed under "We Have a Winner!" Wednesdays, Leadership Education, Real Life | Comments (2)

A Deep Breath

“Well, now I am not going! Child #4 has been throwing up since about 11 p.m. and #5 was complaining of an upset stomach earlier and is now in pain.”

This was the text that I received…

at midnight on Friday night…

as I was finally beginning to doze off.

It was from a very dear friend…

and “fellow mom of 5″…

that was supposed to be…

taking a “mental health day”

Saturday with myself and others.

Unfortunately…

for me personally…

it really had become…

necessary to define the day…

as one that would…

hopefully…

restore the “health”…

to the “mental.”

Or at least….

some perspective…

to a tired…

and spent…

wife, mother…

daughter and friend.

Have you ever noticed…

that often…

the very best of each of us…

is accompanied by a slant or side…

that can all-too-quickly…

become our very worst?

I am an extremely driven individual.

I’ve been asked many times…

by several of you…

“How DO you do it all?!”

There’s a simple answer.

I don’t.

It may appear as if I do…

from time to time…

and mothers are certainly known…

for giving this impression…

but I come up short…

just like everyone else.

I over schedule..

under plan…

fight feelings of desperation…

that come from both a lack of that planning…

or the neglect of sufficient margin…

between activities…

that urge us to…

go, go, go.

The unusual urgency and fast pace…

of this entire summer…

has taken my breath away.

Fact is…

everyone needs periods…

of introspection…

and rest.

Where opportunity to ruminate…

on the things of life…

provides a clear vision of…

its responsibilities…

opportunities…

pressures…

joys…

successes…

challenges…

and privileges.

These sometimes become a blur…

if we aren’t careful…

to demand margin…

reasonable amounts of space…

healthy boundaries.

Lately..

I’m “there.”

So…

I will step back…

settle in to the Fall season…

steep myself in Family Culture…

as I’m taking serious note…

of several things.

For instance…

this initial inspiration into the world of motherhood…

is transitioning once again…

into the world of full blown…

responsible…

capable…

young adult.

He is teaching me…

what it entails to effectively “parent”…

an adult child.

We are watching our first born son…

shoulder more and more responsibility…

embrace amazing opportunities…

mature on an even deeper level…

in his personal relationships…

commitments…

and skill sets.

I make mistakes…

flounder at times…

with what to say…

how to effectively guide…

and find my footing in his world…

so that we are rewarded with healthy…

mother/son adult relationships.

This delight…

just turned 1-1.

When I think about it…

I swear he was just 1.

And this week…

this child…the “end of the line”…

will enter year #9 of life on this planet…

thus beginning his last anniversary of birth…

still in single digit numbers.

This son…

with these deliciously…

soft…

warm…

dimpled…

little boy hands…

will in a mere instant…

exchange these books…

for a finer…

more cultured set.

Oh yes, dear friends…

it’s time to breathe.

And in taking in those deep breaths…

to gratefully embrace…

and then savor…

the potpourri of scents…

that make up an ever evolving…

changing…

emerging…

Leadership Education based…

family culture.

It’s time to reacquaint myself…

with my family’s…

growth…

strengths…

weaknesses…

and triumphs.

Yes…

strong…

deeply intoxicating…

breaths…

are definitely in order.

I’m looking forward to it!

Hello, Fall!

What about you?

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Feelin’ Good!

Even though we’ve left the topic of tension behind ( it was really getting tense!)…Some more excellent comments and insights have been added.  And I’ve chimed in, per a couple of loyal reader requests, to try and settle the topic “once and for all!”…Which you know never “really” happens over here!  Check out the comments section…

The past few weeks have been insanely busy.

Actually…

I think I blinked in June…

and here we are.

How does this happen?

Two weeks ago…

I entered a “contest” on Facebook.

I was to state in 100 words or less…

what my “favorite feel good” movie was…

and why.

I have several of those…

but narrowed it down…

per the request.

I was notified last Tuesday…

that I was the winner…

of two tickets…

to the Opening Night…

of the “Feel Good Film Festival!”

It was located here…

on this boulevard of the same name…

in this historic theatre.

The Hero Hubby was already scheduled…

to work in Malibu all day Saturday.

With a bit of re-arrangement…

to our schedule…

I was able to procure a hot date…

with Son #2…

a reasonable hotel room close by…

and we were off!

Kristen Ridgway-Flores…

pictured here on the right…

(with a big hug for Laura-on-the-Left…

our new favorite Brit!)

co-founded the Feel Good Festival…

three years ago…

with her friend America Young…

as a purposeful way…

to combat all of the darkness…

and evil…

that pervades our daily lives.

The festival featured 64 films, including 14 features, 39 shorts, and 11 student films. Along with the films offered throughout the festival, highlights included a lively Opening Night intro from Host Cheryl Hines; a New Media panel “Why Web Series Suck” presented by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce Community Foundation discussing some hot-button issues prevalent in the web community and highlighted by the world premieres of a handful of web series, an outdoor bazaar highlighted by “green” and health-oriented vendors, and nightly after parties in the Egyptian Theatre Courtyard. ~ The Los Angeles Times

We admittedly had other reasons to attend as well.

We are in love with this family…

that the “Hero Hubby” has known…

and grown up with…

pretty much his entire life.

Stephen married Kristen…

and makes his living in Hollywood…

doing “all kinds of cool things”…

most of which pertain to acting.

We hadn’t seen them in a long time…

and the “winning entry”…

provided opportunity…

and motivation all around!

I’ve told you before…

Los Angeles…

is quite a mecca of diversity…

and creativity…

without any room for doubt!

Need inspiration for a new hair style?…

look no further!

How about that special outfit…

or personal fashion statement?

(these shoes looked like real ruby slippers off of the Wizard of Oz set!)

There is simply no end…

to the people watching opportunities!

Ever wondered why most everyone…

is the “same height” in movies and television?…

Here’s your answer!

In addition to Friday’s Opening films…

We attended all day Saturday.

Many of them were simply brilliant!

This one…

was profoundly moving…

as well as thought provoking.

Entitled…

“That Doesn’t Look Like Me”…

it was the documentary…

of an artist that solicited…

other artist friends…

to go into a senior residence…

and paint or draw…

some of the individuals there.

They interviewed…

and got to know these people in the process.

As the credits rolled…

it was revealed…

that some of these beautiful individuals…

had since passed away.

There was also a challenge…

to engage in a community project of this nature.

We came out to…

some of the actual portaiture.

Powerful beyond belief.

It was an enriching experience!

We plan on going again…

should Kristen…

and her colleagues continue.

Here’s what Leadership Education…

has to say about this experience.

“Young people need to learn to think and lead before they start dividing themselves into campes of allies and enemies…A deep respect for all good ideas, people and organizations, and the ability to identify both the good and the error in all things is an important part of Transition.  This is where the child notices differences and draws conclusions that will either lead to a life of bias or respect…Leaders will remember lessons of Core and “trust the process,” knowing that its fruits are worth its labors.  And in the process, they will enjoy life, have a lot of fun, and learn to bring the best feelings and experiences into their lives.  Leadership can be challenging, but it should also be joyful.”~ Leadership Education, Oliver and Rachel DeMille, pages 170 and 266

We definitely had a lot of fun…

met some amazing folks along the way…

(hello again to Laura…

the exceptionally fun...

witty…

and “Brilliant Brit!)…

and definitely broadened our horizons…

while experiencing joy!

There is a lot of genius…

and amazing creativity out there..

floating around in the form…

of “the arts!”

How do you…

tap into them?

Through big city Productions?…

Festivals?…

Local theatre?…

High school performances?…

Regardless of the source…

I hope you’re tapping them…

to promote brain development…

deep thought processes…

and to build and strengthen…

all areas of learning.

Filed under In the Spotlight..., Love to Learn, Real Life, Uncategorized | Comments (2)

Perhaps the “Bus Stop” Quip…Wasn’t far off!

Some of you recall…

that awhile back…

I wrote a post…

on community responsibility.

It involved a trip…

to LifeStream…

which is our local…

as well as our county…

blood bank.

The shortened version of the events that followed…

is that they read the post…

approached me…

and asked if they could use our family…

in an upcoming campaign…

that was to be entitled…

Blead By Example.

I loved the title of this campaign…

and have also considered it a privilege…

to share with the employees…

that have contacted us…

about Leadership Education.

What it involves…

why it’s great…

what it is!

It’s been a fun…

enlightening…

journey.

Many of you also recall…

that on the eve…

of our scheduled photo shoot…

Son #3 wanted to know…

exactly where and how…

these photos would be used.

I will readily admit at this point…

that perhaps I was tired…

and lacking sleep…

when I shot back with…

“Maybe if you’re lucky…

you’ll be in a bus stop somewhere.”

I got the reaction I wanted…

and we proceeded to our photo opp.

I promised to keep you updated…

as to the progress of this project.

Here is a synopsis…

of the conversation…

that Son #2…

had with LifeStream…

at the end of last week…

when he called to reschedule his appointment.

LS: “Hello, LifeStream.  How may we help you?’

Son #2: “Yes, I need to reschedule my appointment, please.”

LS: Your name?

(Son #2 complies.)

LS:” Oh my word!  As in the individual…

that is currently on our vehicles?”

Son #2: “Um…well, I guess so.”

Oh yes, indeed!

Later that day…

Son #1 went in to give blood and came home with these…

making it official.

My two eldest children are zipping back and forth on freeways…

all over Southern California!

I believe they said they are on 14 vehicles…

but don’t quote me.

Here’s the best part!

When I called the corporate office…

and spoke to Piper…

my new…

peppy…

perfectly professional…

and popping-with-excitement friend…

here’s what she had to say.

P: “Hello, Teri!  The vehicle wraps look great!

People are embracing this campaign…

and the feedback has been wonderful!

Thanks so much again for helping us”

Me: “Are you kidding?

We feel privileged to have been asked!”

Piper: “I have more exciting news!

Towards the end of September…

there are plans to use Sons #1-#5…

to wrap two of our buses! ”

Me: Stunned silence.

Piper: “We’re going to use the three older boys…

on one side…

and the two little ones on the other.”

There was simply no denying…

that I had some serious “splaining to do”…

where Son #3 was concerned.

His response when I told him?…

“No, really Mom…

feel free to exploit us for however long…

you feel is necessary.”

Okay, so maybe some of us are grateful.

I know he really is as well.

He’s just supressing it…

for a later release.

Don’t worry, friends…

I will keep you posted.

Filed under In the Spotlight..., Leadership Education, Real Life | Comments (7)

Tension, The Conclusion

Update: Alicia has been released from the hospital and is home; continuing to heal!  Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers on her behalf. Clearly a full recovery both physically and mentally is going to take time.

I’m concluding the subject of tension today.

This certainly isn’t meant to imply…

that it won’t always be with us.

Krista Blaxton left an amazing comment.

I encourage you to read it.

It beautifully sums up a portion of my intent…

in my decision to broach this subject.

You see…

when we don’t differentiate between problems and tensions…

we really sell ourselves short in the process.

This results in missing out on greatness…

both in ourselves…

and others.

When we see everything…

as a problem to be solved…

we often throw in the proverbial towel…

and give up entirely.

But when we learn to recognize tensions….

we can get better and better…

at making progress in our journey…

to lead effectively and with  impact.

And that’s all any of this really is.

A journey…

A process…

on the road…

to the development of leaders.

The reaching of God-given potential.

Let’s look at some final ideas.

A great place to begin recognizing tensions…

is to identify those…

that exist within your organization.

For our purposes…

we’ll assume that the organization…

is the family.

Another great step…

is to create terminology.

What we see as tensions…

how we will identify what we see…

and  consistently and effectively…

communicate that with one another.

Next…

You need to inform your core.

I love this one.

Within a Leadership Education context…

we could certainly see this as a double entendre!

The core group that you influence…

and that influences in return.

Again, in this case…

members of the family.

But it could also easily mean “inform your core.”

I took this as a serious challenge.

There are a lot of things that I need to assess often….

that have to do with my CORE!

And nearly every tension requires…

that you act from your core…

to identify…

analyze…

and address it!

An example?…

Well, this past week.

I desire to be real with all of you…

my virtual community…

but at the same time…

healthy tension would dictate…

that I not frequently “dump” on you.

We all have problems and adversity in this life.

And when I look at those that others own…

I realize much of the time…

that mine are small in comparison.

Then there is the tension between “sappy”…

and appearing calloused.

For instance…

In the case of Alicia…

I don’t want to dwell for too long…

on why tragedy ends…

in the loss of human life for some…

and the reinforcement of its truly fragile state…

and what a precious gift it is…

for still others.

Yet…

this really has a lot to do with “informing my CORE.”

For me…

I have to revisit those values at times like this…

and remind myself…

that I trust the Sovereignty of a loving God…

that I personally use the Bible…

to navigate the CORE of my existence…

and that there are many things…

this side of eternity…

that require faith, trust, and hope.

Otherwise…

I’d most certainly go nuts…

trying to “figure it all out.”

My point?

You must identify, inform, and develop…

A CORE based on strength and absolute truth…

or it becomes difficult…

to move on to other levels of learning…

with one hundred percent effectiveness.

Next…

Continually recognize and give value…

to both sides of tensions.

This is so important…

in the process of developing individuals…

that know how to think…

rather than conditioning them…

regarding what to think.

Another important aspect…

as those that you mentor…

grow and mature…

is to start watching…

how heavily you weigh in with personal bias.

I’m not talking compromise of  your core values.

Rather…

I’m encouraging the nurturing…

of time and space…

that is required to learn and hone the skill…

of knowing how to think independently…

as well as interdependently.

And…

at the end of the day…

don’t always allow the strong personalities…

within the family…

to win the day.

Finally…

Don’t think in terms of balance…

Think rhythm.

And remember…

there’s no doubt about it.

One of the greatest things…

that you can do…

for your family…

or organization…

is differentiate between…

tensions you will always need to manage…

versus problems that need to be solved.

Thanks for being here.

You’re all blessings to me…

and definitely help…

many times…

to bring relief to the tensions!

Until Wednesday,

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Tension, part 2

Many thanks and update: The outpouring on the part of TommyMom readers where thoughts, prayers and well-wishes are concerned for Alicia, have been both inspiring and overwhelming.  I cannot thank you enough. At the time of the last update, she and her parents are all exhausted.  She, of course, from the physical aspects of the accident itself; her parents from the enormity of finding out the details from her rescuers, that surrounded that accident.  They are so grateful and awed that she is alive.  Alicia will be starting physical therapy very soon; and has suffered a broken arm, severe concussion, severe laceration to the right leg, and burns.

Her mother and one of her sisters spent the entire day yesterday removing glass from her hair as a result of the impact.  It was actually in the form of dust!  They are hoping that she will be stable enough to be released by the end of this week to go home and continue recuperating.  Obviously one of the main concerns for the future, would be the psychological aftermath from a trauma such as this.  She was in the front passenger seat of the van that was hit.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  They are much appreciated. ~ Teri

I was speaking to a dear friend and reader yesterday morning…

that expressed how much the “tension” post was making her think…

and re-think many things.

“It’s like a huge adjustment, Teri.

To be able to access issues as “tensions” that shouldn’t “go away”…

versus “problems” that should be solved…

is a major paradigm shift.

I’m thinking about it.”

So…

We will continue to discuss some of this…

probably into part of next week.

Because I’m going to assume here…

(knowing full well what that can do to “U” and “ME”)

that you are all somewhat quiet…

because you are thinking as well.

I would encourage you to read the comments…

that have been left…

because they are good, solid thoughts.

As a refresher to Monday’s post…

Andy Stanley stated that if you “resolve” tensions…

that should be leveraged…

you create a barrier to progress.

I think  that it would be helpful…

to realize that the family unit…

is the foundational “organization” in any society.

One of the most significant steps, then…

would be to distinguish between the problems that need to be solved…

and the tensions that need to be managed.

Here are some questions that you can ask…

in order to determine these two categories successfully.

1.  Does this problem or tension keep resurfacing?

2.  Are there mature advocates for both sides?

3.  Are the two sides really interdependent?

You can see where defining these two environments successfully…

could lead to lots of progress!

Here are some tensions…

that present themselves to all of us…

Family Culture vs. Education

School vs. Education

Young, Inexperienced Adulthood vs. Mature, Experienced Adults

Micro-Managing vs. Effective Mentoring That Helps To Structure Time

Discipline vs. Punishment

Expected “Norm” vs. Quality Time

Your thoughts on these tensions…

or input of others?

Here is the picture of our current fabulous giveaway…

which will be announced next week sometime!…

So keep those comments coming!

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