Dr. Shanon Brooks is currently in Southern California on a ReValue America tour. He will be coming to Indio, Friday, September 16th. Click here for details. Admission is free. Come one, come all, bring family, friends, and neighbors!
Tim Driver is the principal of Insight High School for Washington state. He has also done notable work in the field of At-Risk Youth. He has coached athletics at the high school level for over 20 years, is a published author, and the punk brother of TommyMom. He is a regular contributor to our community here. For that, we are grateful. He is pictured here in an uber-retro shot with Sons #1-#3.
For this post, it is most beneficial to read the link referenced in Mr. Driver’s first sentence.
A recent study confirms what I have believed all along.
Self esteem is earned, not granted.
I don’t know if it started when every player on every team received a trophy,
or when some schools did away with grades for fear of hurting anyone’s feelings.
Maybe it was neither.
I have no desire to rip the plastic hardware away from a clutching little leaguer.
Rather, it is the philosophy and common themes of adult behavior that are to blame for the generation of entitlement we are experiencing.
Allow for a few snapshot examples:
The aforementioned survey cited that 75% of kids think they will be in the top 20% academically.
Hmmm. Perhaps another math course might be helpful for those that don’t see a problem with that.
Especially when studies show that kids complete less homework overall than their counterparts of the 1970’s.
How much homework gets completed is the furthest issue from the real point.
Kids want better results with less effort.
A recruiting manager for Boeing told me that his sole job is to recruit engineers; one of the more educated professions in our society.
He recently had to undergo training for situations…
where the parents of these engineering candidates…
would either come to interviews with the candidates…
or call to complain when their child didn’t get the position.
Perhaps Boeing should just post Matthew 22:14 on the wall and websites and be done with it.
(“Many are called, but few are chosen.”)
This is another example where people want the rewards to be realized but the qualifications to be ignored.
Lack of qualifications are the bulk of the reason for the recent housing crisis.
Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac were created as a solution for people who in many cases…
would not qualify for home ownership the traditional way.
The government wanted people to experience home ownership, even if they didn’t really financially qualify.
Hmmmm…and when that collapsed we shook our heads?
Are you sensing a pattern?
For years psychologists, schools, government, and some parents have subscribed to the notion that any praise, even false in nature, will benefit the psyche of our kids.
NOT SO.
A huge longitudinal study out of New Zealand…
with a sample group of over 200 million students in every major country and 48 out of the 50 states in the U.S. …
showed that “general praise” actually lessened overall student achievement and motivation to succeed.
Conclusion?
Kids know when we’re blowing smoke.
So do adults.
The same study showed that praise that was aimed at specific behaviors and accomplishments however…
had a significant positive effect on motivation and increased success.
Sometimes, in some circumstances, kids have not done anything that they should be proud of or praised for.
In fact, sometimes we should point out where they have fallen short in loving ways…
so that they have a road map as to how to get back on the path to successful habits.
Blowing smoke only makes them more dependent on others.
This is not to suggest that we should be critical fault finders…
just honest realists.
If Suzie doesn’t get an “A”, it doesn’t make her a bad kid, or even a bad student.
It just means if she really wants that “A”, she will have to change her strategy and behaviors to get it.
Criticizing the teacher or blaming a school is not the answer.
Studying the habits of those who receive “A’s”, is a much better use of time.
Overall, kids need encouragement, and recognition of effort…even when the results are not the highest or most desired.
What they don’t need is an inflated, false view of themselves that leads to entitlement, long-term dependence, and blaming behaviors.
Hopefully this will save you a trip to your son or daughter’s next engineering interview.
Next post, I will point out how some folks still don’t get it.
Best,
Tim
This is my favorite post from Tim! I am so sad that he is gone and we won’t get to hear about how some folks still don’t get it. Rest in peace Tim……love to the Driver/Helms families!
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