Today, we continue our presentation and discussion of “Culture” here on TommyMom. Our guest is Tim Driver. For more information on Mr. Driver, you can refer back to the post on Friday, August 27th; if you haven’t already read it.
Last time we chatted, the discussion centered around Define, Model, Shape, Reinforce…
and clay snakes.
Admittedly it looks great on paper…
and when dealing with a majority of the population…
it actually works in real life, too.
As Yogi Berra once said, “In theory, theory and reality are the same. In reality, they’re not.”
Having worked with at-risk youth for quite a stretch, my knee jerk reaction is always to ask the unpopular question…
“What do you do when people don’t buy in, or intentionally try to sabotage what we are doing?”
The silence can be deafening.
It’s time to break the silence.
The best way to approach this problem is with a two-pronged attack.
First, how do you PREVENT people from ever getting to a place…
where they are bent on defiance and sabotage…
and second, if it’s too late…
how do you get people to RETURN to going with the flow?
ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY
You can prevent future defiance by having some absolutes in place.
These are definitely related to the core values.
The common phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind.
Kids, adults, and everyone in between should be held accountable to SOME absolutes within any culture.
Simply put, “This NEVER happens here” or “This ALWAYS happens here.”
Be very strategic about what you pick for your absolutes, as they will set the tone or “flavor” of your home, business, team, or group.
It is better to state one’s absolutes in the positive.
For instance…
instead of “We NEVER lie” try “We are ALWAYS truthful.”
This sets a more positive tone and reinforces what you DO want vs. what you don’t want.
Make certain that EVERYONE is aware of the consequences that take place when these absolutes are broken and make SURE to follow through the FIRST time and EVERY time when these are violated.
Absolutes should never be bargained unless an extremely rare situation arises.
More on this if I’m ever asked back.
It is this consistency that will also help rebellious participants conform.
While they may test the limits right out of the chute, or inch their way closer and closer to them…
the chaos creators will actually find a comfort in knowing that absolutes DO exist…
and that they are enforced with predictability.
It’s when random enforcement, or favoritism occurs…
that the pot stirrers will intentionally bring things to an overflowing boil.
Sometimes they will attempt to create an inconsistency.
Don’t fall for it.
Picture these absolutes as the steel cage that holds your culture together.
MICRO WAVE GOODBYE
With a strong predictable framework in place, it gives leaders the ability to be more flexible on the individual circumstances.
Avoid micro managing.
Not EVERYTHING is an absolute!
Even though my mother may have uttered, “You are ABSOLUTELY going to eat those brussel sprouts!”…
thankfully, iron enrichment was not an “absolute” in our family.
This is the trickiest part of “everyday” culture building.
Allow me to paint a picture with words…
since my watercolor skills are worthless.
Parent says to the kid, “You agreed that if I let you have a Snickers after school, that you’d eat all your vegetables at dinner.”
Kid responds, ” I HATE beets. They SUCK!”
(Though I’m sure none of my nephews pictured above have ever bellowed such nonsense.)
Parent thinks to themselves, “Beets are not a core value, I really don’t much care for them either. Is this really worth going to war over?”
Some parents might try the “Well I’m going to make you carrots then, and you have to eat all of those” ploy.
Others might rely on the time tested, “You’re not leaving this table until every one of those beets is eaten!” strategy.
Can I interject here?
THIS IS NOT ABOUT VEGETABLES IN ANY WAY!
Parents who choose the first option are bargaining with what seems a reasonable alternative, substituting a lesser evil.
They miss a huge message that is flying below the radar.
For me, when I hear this stuff, it’s like nails on the chalkboard.
The only thing that makes this approach worse is the icing on the cake…
“It just isn’t worth fighting.”
Parents who choose option two are being totally rigid about something that should never be a line in the sand………beets.
Your teenager will point this out.
“You’re really gonna get mad about beets, mom?”
This tip is no extra charge……NEVER EVER EVER argue with a teenager…
or any kid for that matter…
you’ll lose.
They aren’t smarter…
they just don’t have the logic and you’ll go in circles.
So what is the answer Tim?
( Those who peeked down here early……….I know who you are)
“No, I’m not upset about beets. I want you to live up to your word. That is what we do in this house. You gave me your word, and I need to be able to trust that.”
“Well it’s really no big deal, I’ll eat more tomorrow.”
(notice the clever ploy at trying to make it once again about vegetables? I’m tellin’ ya, DON’T argue with ‘em)
“Eating more tomorrow will not help you keep your word tonight. When you start to date or to drive, I need to know that your word is good!”
( raise the drama factor) ” I can’t believe you’re saying that if I don’t eat these beets, I can’t drive or date. That’s stupid!.”
“Actually, I said that if I can’t trust your word, you can’t drive or date. How about just finishing them up?”
Now here is another danger zone folks.
There may be eye rolling, there may be a little ‘tude even.
But as long as they begin to follow through, let those things slide a bit.
You have won the MAJOR battle reinforcing an absolute.
As long as the disrespect level is low, allow for some frustration…
or you’ll be micromanaging.
What if they still refuse given the above scenario?
Well I would make sure that as excited as they get…
I am balancing it out on the mellow scale.
But a simple “stating of what is” can be a good strategy.
“Now you are not only going back on your word, but you are directly defying what I am asking you to do.”
This takes us to the third and final point.
( Thank the LORD! When is this guy gonna go play with his clay and leave us alone?)
CHOICE OFFERINGS
Giving defiant folks a choice can disarm them a bit…
but if not, it draws a line in the sand on THEIR beach…
not yours.
To continue the above scenario……
“Because you are not living up to your word, and are being defiant to what I’m asking you to do, you have a choice.
You can either ( state the consequences that have been laid out ahead of time when an absolute is not followed)
or you can finish your beets.
How important is this issue of not eating your beets to you?”
Notice the amazing crafty ploy of bringing it back to a simple issue of vegetables to DE-escalate the situation.
It’s brought back to veggies on YOUR terms.
Hey, I’m a veteran who served hard at-risk time…
these are secrets you’ll never find elsewhere!
At this point the defiant one actually thinks…
“Do I want (consequence) for not eating these?”
Maybe so.
Some really want to prove their stubbornness or not lose face.
If they serve the penalty, so be it.
Your absolute remains in tact, and the consequence has been reinforced.
Three footnotes.
1. Don’t sit and threaten for 45 minutes in hopes they will change their minds. Present the choice once, give time for thought. Present it a second time and say you need an answer or you will decide for them.
“Two and DO” is my term for that strategy. This works great when kids are watching TV/ on the computer and you say, “Turn that off and clean your room.”
Say it twice, then shut it off yourself if you’re being ignored. Watch how fast they move next time.
2. The choice should always be between Absolute and Consequence.
3. Once the absolute has been followed or the punishment served, literally start with a clean slate in your attitude toward the defiant one. Mistakes are part of growth. Conflict is the beginning of bigger solutions.
See them as great “shaping” opportunities.
In summary of this encyclopedic volume…
build a solid framework by having non-negotiable absolutes.
Then use every day circumstances to put “meat” on the skeleton.
Finally, don’t forget to give yourselves opportunities to be the “good guy” and “give in” on some things occasionally that have nothing to do with absolutes.
For instance…
“I’ve changed my mind and decided to let you stay over night at your friend’s house”.
The next episode is about fighting attack to your culture from the outside.
I do consult for a fee…
you have to finish all my pottery homework for me.
Tim
Thanks Tim for more manageable bits of information that I can implement in my home where I have been consistently on the losing side of many of those “not really about the vegetables battles lately” ugh… not to mention my unruly U8 boys soccer team which looks like a swarm of angry bees going down the field rather than a group of boys playing soccer.
*Teri I think you have another Obi-Wan in your arsenal but, you probably already know that.
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Tim Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 9:25 am
Hi Heather,
I appreciate your comment! I have watched the “swarm of bees” soccer phenomenon. I have a high school football team that is every bit as much of a challenge. :0) But in the end, when you see the growth and the maturity that comes from being part of a group, it’s all worth it!
Best,
Tim
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And just when is your book coming out Tim? I’ll take the whole platter of meat and potatoes please, but minus the lima beans.
Thank you o wise one.
[Reply]
Tim Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 12:24 pm
You’re not LEAVING here until every lima bean is GONE. :0)
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My cheeks still sting from the consequences of my own eye rolling days… I swore I’d never do it to my kids for rolling their eyes at me, and low and behold I have a 9 year old eye roller. I just say, I understand you are frustrated. That’s ok – but your feelings are your choice. Eye rolling allwoed and encouraged here, lol.
Love how you explained the absolutes are CORE. Thanks Tim!
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