Today, we continue our presentation and discussion of “Culture” here on TommyMom. Our guest is Tim Driver.  For more information on Mr. Driver, you can refer back to the post on Friday, August 27th; if you haven’t already read it.

Last time we chatted, the discussion centered around Define, Model, Shape, Reinforce…

and clay snakes.

Admittedly it looks great on paper…

and when dealing with a majority of the population…

it actually works in real life, too.

As Yogi Berra once said, “In theory, theory and reality are the same. In reality, they’re not.”

Having worked with at-risk youth for quite a stretch, my knee jerk reaction is always to ask the unpopular question…
“What do you do when people don’t buy in, or intentionally try to sabotage what we are doing?”

The silence can be deafening.

It’s time to break the silence.

The best way to approach this problem is with a two-pronged attack.

First, how do you PREVENT people from ever getting to a place…

where they are bent on defiance and sabotage…

and second, if it’s too late…

how do you get people to RETURN to going with the flow?

ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY

You can prevent future defiance by having some absolutes in place.

These are definitely related to the core values.

The common phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind.

Kids, adults, and everyone in between should be held accountable to SOME absolutes within any culture.

Simply put, “This NEVER happens here” or “This ALWAYS happens here.”

Be very strategic about what you pick for your absolutes, as they will set the tone or “flavor” of your home, business, team, or group.

It is better to state one’s absolutes in the positive.

For instance…

instead of “We NEVER lie” try “We are ALWAYS truthful.”

This sets a more positive tone and reinforces what you DO want vs. what you don’t want.

Make certain that EVERYONE is aware of the consequences that take place when these absolutes are broken and make SURE to follow through the FIRST time and EVERY time when these are violated.

Absolutes should never be bargained unless an extremely rare situation arises.

More on this if I’m ever asked back.

It is this consistency that will also help rebellious participants conform.

While they may test the limits right out of the chute, or inch their way closer and closer to them…

the chaos creators will actually find a comfort in knowing that absolutes DO exist…

and that they are enforced with predictability.

It’s when random enforcement, or favoritism occurs…

that the pot stirrers will intentionally bring things to an overflowing boil.

Sometimes they will attempt to create an inconsistency.

Don’t fall for it.

Picture these absolutes as the steel cage that holds your culture together.

MICRO WAVE GOODBYE

With a strong predictable framework in place, it gives leaders the ability to be more flexible on the individual circumstances.

Avoid micro managing.

Not EVERYTHING is an absolute!

Even though my mother may have uttered, “You are ABSOLUTELY going to eat those brussel sprouts!”…

thankfully, iron enrichment was not an “absolute” in our family.

This is the trickiest part of “everyday” culture building.

Allow me to paint a picture with words…

since my watercolor skills are worthless.

Parent says to the kid, “You agreed that if I let you have a Snickers after school, that you’d eat all your vegetables at dinner.”

Kid responds, ” I HATE beets. They SUCK!”

(Though I’m sure none of my nephews pictured above have ever bellowed such nonsense.)

Parent thinks to themselves, “Beets are not a core value, I really don’t much care for them either. Is this really worth going to war over?”

Some parents might try the “Well I’m going to make you carrots then, and you have to eat all of those” ploy.

Others might rely on the time tested, “You’re not leaving this table until every one of those beets is eaten!” strategy.

Can I interject here?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT VEGETABLES IN ANY WAY!

Parents who choose the first option are bargaining with what seems a reasonable alternative, substituting a lesser evil.

They miss a huge message that is flying below the radar.

For me, when I hear this stuff, it’s like nails on the chalkboard.

The only thing that makes this approach worse is the icing on the cake…

“It just isn’t worth fighting.”

Parents who choose option two are being totally rigid about something that should never be a line in the sand………beets.

Your teenager will point this out.

“You’re really gonna get mad about beets, mom?”

This tip is no extra charge……NEVER EVER EVER argue with a teenager…

or any kid for that matter…

you’ll lose.

They aren’t smarter…

they just don’t have the logic and you’ll go in circles.

So what is the answer Tim?

( Those who peeked down here early……….I know who you are)

“No, I’m not upset about beets. I want you to live up to your word. That is what we do in this house. You gave me your word, and I need to be able to trust that.”

“Well it’s really no big deal, I’ll eat more tomorrow.”

(notice the clever ploy at trying to make it once again about vegetables? I’m tellin’ ya, DON’T argue with ‘em)

“Eating more tomorrow will not help you keep your word tonight. When you start to date or to drive, I need to know that your word is good!”

( raise the drama factor)  ” I can’t believe you’re saying that if I don’t eat these beets, I can’t drive or date. That’s stupid!.”

“Actually, I said that if I can’t trust your word, you can’t drive or date. How about just finishing them up?”

Now here is another danger zone folks.

There may be eye rolling, there may be a little ‘tude even.

But as long as they begin to follow through, let those things slide a bit.

You have won the MAJOR battle reinforcing an absolute.

As long as the disrespect level is low, allow for some frustration…

or you’ll be micromanaging.

What if they still refuse given the above scenario?

Well I would make sure that as excited as they get…

I am balancing it out on the mellow scale.

But a simple “stating of what is” can be a good strategy.

“Now you are not only going back on your word, but you are directly defying what I am asking you to do.”

This takes us to the third and final point.

( Thank the LORD! When is this guy gonna go play with his clay and leave us alone?)

CHOICE OFFERINGS

Giving defiant folks a choice can disarm them a bit…

but if not, it draws a line in the sand on THEIR beach…

not yours.

To continue the above scenario……

“Because you are not living up to your word, and are being defiant to what I’m asking you to do, you have a choice.

You can either ( state the consequences that have been laid out ahead of time when an absolute is not followed)
or you can finish your beets.

How important is this issue of not eating your beets to you?”

Notice the amazing crafty ploy of bringing it back to a simple issue of vegetables to DE-escalate the situation.

It’s brought back to veggies on YOUR terms.

Hey, I’m a veteran who served hard at-risk time…

these are secrets you’ll never find elsewhere!

At this point the defiant one actually thinks…

“Do I want (consequence) for not eating these?”

Maybe so.

Some really want to prove their stubbornness or not lose face.

If they serve the penalty, so be it.

Your absolute remains in tact, and the consequence has been reinforced.

Three footnotes.

1. Don’t sit and threaten for 45 minutes in hopes they will change their minds. Present the choice once, give time for thought. Present it a second time and say you need an answer or you will decide for them.
“Two and DO” is my term for that strategy. This works great when kids are watching TV/ on the computer and you say, “Turn that off and clean your room.”
Say it twice, then shut it off yourself if you’re being ignored. Watch how fast they move next time.

2. The choice should always be between Absolute and Consequence.

3. Once the absolute has been followed or the punishment served, literally start with a clean slate in your attitude toward the defiant one. Mistakes are part of growth. Conflict is the beginning of bigger solutions.
See them as great “shaping” opportunities.

In summary of this encyclopedic volume…

build a solid framework by having non-negotiable absolutes.

Then use every day circumstances to put “meat” on the skeleton.

Finally, don’t forget to give yourselves opportunities to be the “good guy” and “give in” on some things occasionally that have nothing to do with absolutes.

For instance…

“I’ve changed my mind and decided to let you stay over night at your friend’s house”.

The next episode is about fighting attack to your culture from the outside.

I do consult for a fee…

you have to finish all my pottery homework for me.

Tim

It is a beautiful example of what Leadership Education is all about.

Here’s to continuing to create cultures that produce leaders!

Until Wednesday,

Animal School

Tammie is now equipped with both really cute “To Do” and “What’s Cookin?” wipe off household boards courtesy of Christy Gandara at One Creative Bug. I apologize for the brain lapse where this giveaway was concerned, folks!  And thanks to everyone that commented! Your input helps to continue to reinforce and build the virtual Leadership Education Community here on TommyMom.

I was talking with a friend last week…

that has chosen public education…

for her children.

They are a remarkable family.

It’s one of those…

in which leadership is defined…

by being servant-based…

quiet…

but very strong.

She and I concluded…

that culture…

is honestly…

the key to success…

or failure…

in most everything.

Culture as defined in Webster’s 1828 Dictionary is…

“The application of labor or other means to improve good qualities in, or growth;

as the culture of the mind:

the culture of virtue…  Any labor or means employed for improvement, correction or growth.”

So often…

people focus…

primarily on method…

and methodology.

Reality dictates…

that cultures…

both created…

and non-spoken…

are powerful influences…

in outcome.

For instance…

when people ask Hero Hubby and I…

“how did we achieve…

(fill in the blank) with our children?”

Many times…

the answer stems from the culture…

that we have consciously created for our family.

And again…

we really must also consider…

the power of influence in what we don’t say…

where culture is concerned as well.

I was discussing this…

with my punk …

quite-possibly-overly-qualified brother today.

As always…

he had multiple insights…

going many directions…

with tremendous examples…

that left me thinking…

thinking…

thinking.

He generally has that effect on me…

when we’re having conversations like this.

Follow along if you will…

Text: “Are you at football practice?”

“No.”

“May I call you?”

He calls.

Tim: “What’s up?’

Me:”I’m wanting to discuss “culture”…

for the next few days on TommyMom.

Will you write an article?”

Tim: “Sure…

That’s a mighty wide open topic….

that could go so many different directions.”

Me: “Which is why I’d like you…

to take it in a couple of different ones”…

(proceeding to name the ones I had in mind.)

Tim: “Well, yes…

but what about all of the other directions…

that come to mind?

What about majority culture…

that influences…

the minority one you’ve created?”

Or…

“How do you change an undesirable culture?”

Then there is always…

“Unspoken Culture.”

“For instance…

why do we always ride escalators facing forward?

No one told us we had to do that.

It’s an unspoken given in our culture.”

See, readers…

this is what takes up valuable time!

It’s simply one more thing to ponder!

When I ride the escalator…

on any given “trip”…

I may or may not be facing forward…

due to several notable articles of fashion…

that are possibly traveling the other direction!

Oh, yes, indeed….

we are very different people.

With nearly identical values.

Hello, Andy Stanley tension…

on a very regular basis!

So…

start thinking about…

and noticing…

“cultures.”

I promise you…

really…

truly…

when Friday…

and several other intermittent days…

come rolling around…

and “Driver’s Ed” is posted…

you’re in for a real treat!

Until then,

This was the text that I received…

at midnight on Friday night…

as I was finally beginning to doze off.

It was from a very dear friend…

and “fellow mom of 5″…

that was supposed to be…

taking a “mental health day”

Saturday with myself and others.

Unfortunately…

for me personally…

it really had become…

necessary to define the day…

as one that would…

hopefully…

restore the “health”…

to the “mental.”

Or at least….

some perspective…

to a tired…

and spent…

wife, mother…

daughter and friend.

Have you ever noticed…

that often…

the very best of each of us…

is accompanied by a slant or side…

that can all-too-quickly…

become our very worst?

I am an extremely driven individual.

I’ve been asked many times…

by several of you…

“How DO you do it all?!”

There’s a simple answer.

I don’t.

It may appear as if I do…

from time to time…

and mothers are certainly known…

for giving this impression…

but I come up short…

just like everyone else.

I over schedule..

under plan…

fight feelings of desperation…

that come from both a lack of that planning…

or the neglect of sufficient margin…

between activities…

that urge us to…

go, go, go.

The unusual urgency and fast pace…

of this entire summer…

has taken my breath away.

Fact is…

everyone needs periods…

of introspection…

and rest.

Where opportunity to ruminate…

on the things of life…

provides a clear vision of…

its responsibilities…

opportunities…

pressures…

joys…

successes…

challenges…

and privileges.

These sometimes become a blur…

if we aren’t careful…

to demand margin…

reasonable amounts of space…

healthy boundaries.

Lately..

I’m “there.”

So…

I will step back…

settle in to the Fall season…

steep myself in Family Culture…

as I’m taking serious note…

of several things.

For instance…

this initial inspiration into the world of motherhood…

is transitioning once again…

into the world of full blown…

responsible…

capable…

young adult.

He is teaching me…

what it entails to effectively “parent”…

an adult child.

We are watching our first born son…

shoulder more and more responsibility…

embrace amazing opportunities…

mature on an even deeper level…

in his personal relationships…

commitments…

and skill sets.

I make mistakes…

flounder at times…

with what to say…

how to effectively guide…

and find my footing in his world…

so that we are rewarded with healthy…

mother/son adult relationships.

This delight…

just turned 1-1.

When I think about it…

I swear he was just 1.

And this week…

this child…the “end of the line”…

will enter year #9 of life on this planet…

thus beginning his last anniversary of birth…

still in single digit numbers.

This son…

with these deliciously…

soft…

warm…

dimpled…

little boy hands…

will in a mere instant…

exchange these books…

for a finer…

more cultured set.

Oh yes, dear friends…

it’s time to breathe.

And in taking in those deep breaths…

to gratefully embrace…

and then savor…

the potpourri of scents…

that make up an ever evolving…

changing…

emerging…

Leadership Education based…

family culture.

It’s time to reacquaint myself…

with my family’s…

growth…

strengths…

weaknesses…

and triumphs.

Yes…

strong…

deeply intoxicating…

breaths…

are definitely in order.

I’m looking forward to it!

Hello, Fall!

What about you?

that awhile back…

I wrote a post…

on community responsibility.

It involved a trip…

to LifeStream…

which is our local…

as well as our county…

blood bank.

The shortened version of the events that followed…

is that they read the post…

approached me…

and asked if they could use our family…

in an upcoming campaign…

that was to be entitled…

Blead By Example.

I loved the title of this campaign…

and have also considered it a privilege…

to share with the employees…

that have contacted us…

about Leadership Education.

What it involves…

why it’s great…

what it is!

It’s been a fun…

enlightening…

journey.

Many of you also recall…

that on the eve…

of our scheduled photo shoot…

Son #3 wanted to know…

exactly where and how…

these photos would be used.

I will readily admit at this point…

that perhaps I was tired…

and lacking sleep…

when I shot back with…

“Maybe if you’re lucky…

you’ll be in a bus stop somewhere.”

I got the reaction I wanted…

and we proceeded to our photo opp.

I promised to keep you updated…

as to the progress of this project.

Here is a synopsis…

of the conversation…

that Son #2…

had with LifeStream…

at the end of last week…

when he called to reschedule his appointment.

LS: “Hello, LifeStream.  How may we help you?’

Son #2: “Yes, I need to reschedule my appointment, please.”

LS: Your name?

(Son #2 complies.)

LS:” Oh my word!  As in the individual…

that is currently on our vehicles?”

Son #2: “Um…well, I guess so.”

Oh yes, indeed!

Later that day…

Son #1 went in to give blood and came home with these…

making it official.

My two eldest children are zipping back and forth on freeways…

all over Southern California!

I believe they said they are on 14 vehicles…

but don’t quote me.

Here’s the best part!

When I called the corporate office…

and spoke to Piper…

my new…

peppy…

perfectly professional…

and popping-with-excitement friend…

here’s what she had to say.

P: “Hello, Teri!  The vehicle wraps look great!

People are embracing this campaign…

and the feedback has been wonderful!

Thanks so much again for helping us”

Me: “Are you kidding?

We feel privileged to have been asked!”

Piper: “I have more exciting news!

Towards the end of September…

there are plans to use Sons #1-#5…

to wrap two of our buses! ”

Me: Stunned silence.

Piper: “We’re going to use the three older boys…

on one side…

and the two little ones on the other.”

There was simply no denying…

that I had some serious “splaining to do”…

where Son #3 was concerned.

His response when I told him?…

“No, really Mom…

feel free to exploit us for however long…

you feel is necessary.”

Okay, so maybe some of us are grateful.

I know he really is as well.

He’s just supressing it…

for a later release.

Don’t worry, friends…

I will keep you posted.

I’m concluding the subject of tension today.

This certainly isn’t meant to imply…

that it won’t always be with us.

Krista Blaxton left an amazing comment.

I encourage you to read it.

It beautifully sums up a portion of my intent…

in my decision to broach this subject.

You see…

when we don’t differentiate between problems and tensions…

we really sell ourselves short in the process.

This results in missing out on greatness…

both in ourselves…

and others.

When we see everything…

as a problem to be solved…

we often throw in the proverbial towel…

and give up entirely.

But when we learn to recognize tensions….

we can get better and better…

at making progress in our journey…

to lead effectively and with  impact.

And that’s all any of this really is.

A journey…

A process…

on the road…

to the development of leaders.

The reaching of God-given potential.

Let’s look at some final ideas.

A great place to begin recognizing tensions…

is to identify those…

that exist within your organization.

For our purposes…

we’ll assume that the organization…

is the family.

Another great step…

is to create terminology.

What we see as tensions…

how we will identify what we see…

and  consistently and effectively…

communicate that with one another.

Next…

You need to inform your core.

I love this one.

Within a Leadership Education context…

we could certainly see this as a double entendre!

The core group that you influence…

and that influences in return.

Again, in this case…

members of the family.

But it could also easily mean “inform your core.”

I took this as a serious challenge.

There are a lot of things that I need to assess often….

that have to do with my CORE!

And nearly every tension requires…

that you act from your core…

to identify…

analyze…

and address it!

An example?…

Well, this past week.

I desire to be real with all of you…

my virtual community…

but at the same time…

healthy tension would dictate…

that I not frequently “dump” on you.

We all have problems and adversity in this life.

And when I look at those that others own…

I realize much of the time…

that mine are small in comparison.

Then there is the tension between “sappy”…

and appearing calloused.

For instance…

In the case of Alicia…

I don’t want to dwell for too long…

on why tragedy ends…

in the loss of human life for some…

and the reinforcement of its truly fragile state…

and what a precious gift it is…

for still others.

Yet…

this really has a lot to do with “informing my CORE.”

For me…

I have to revisit those values at times like this…

and remind myself…

that I trust the Sovereignty of a loving God…

that I personally use the Bible…

to navigate the CORE of my existence…

and that there are many things…

this side of eternity…

that require faith, trust, and hope.

Otherwise…

I’d most certainly go nuts…

trying to “figure it all out.”

My point?

You must identify, inform, and develop…

A CORE based on strength and absolute truth…

or it becomes difficult…

to move on to other levels of learning…

with one hundred percent effectiveness.

Next…

Continually recognize and give value…

to both sides of tensions.

This is so important…

in the process of developing individuals…

that know how to think…

rather than conditioning them…

regarding what to think.

Another important aspect…

as those that you mentor…

grow and mature…

is to start watching…

how heavily you weigh in with personal bias.

I’m not talking compromise of  your core values.

Rather…

I’m encouraging the nurturing…

of time and space…

that is required to learn and hone the skill…

of knowing how to think independently…

as well as interdependently.

And…

at the end of the day…

don’t always allow the strong personalities…

within the family…

to win the day.

Finally…

Don’t think in terms of balance…

Think rhythm.

And remember…

there’s no doubt about it.

One of the greatest things…

that you can do…

for your family…

or organization…

is differentiate between…

tensions you will always need to manage…

versus problems that need to be solved.

Thanks for being here.

You’re all blessings to me…

and definitely help…

many times…

to bring relief to the tensions!

Until Wednesday,

Her mother and one of her sisters spent the entire day yesterday removing glass from her hair as a result of the impact.  It was actually in the form of dust!  They are hoping that she will be stable enough to be released by the end of this week to go home and continue recuperating.  Obviously one of the main concerns for the future, would be the psychological aftermath from a trauma such as this.  She was in the front passenger seat of the van that was hit.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  They are much appreciated. ~ Teri

I was speaking to a dear friend and reader yesterday morning…

that expressed how much the “tension” post was making her think…

and re-think many things.

“It’s like a huge adjustment, Teri.

To be able to access issues as “tensions” that shouldn’t “go away”…

versus “problems” that should be solved…

is a major paradigm shift.

I’m thinking about it.”

So…

We will continue to discuss some of this…

probably into part of next week.

Because I’m going to assume here…

(knowing full well what that can do to “U” and “ME”)

that you are all somewhat quiet…

because you are thinking as well.

I would encourage you to read the comments…

that have been left…

because they are good, solid thoughts.

As a refresher to Monday’s post…

Andy Stanley stated that if you “resolve” tensions…

that should be leveraged…

you create a barrier to progress.

I think  that it would be helpful…

to realize that the family unit…

is the foundational “organization” in any society.

One of the most significant steps, then…

would be to distinguish between the problems that need to be solved…

and the tensions that need to be managed.

Here are some questions that you can ask…

in order to determine these two categories successfully.

1.  Does this problem or tension keep resurfacing?

2.  Are there mature advocates for both sides?

3.  Are the two sides really interdependent?

You can see where defining these two environments successfully…

could lead to lots of progress!

Here are some tensions…

that present themselves to all of us…

Family Culture vs. Education

School vs. Education

Young, Inexperienced Adulthood vs. Mature, Experienced Adults

Micro-Managing vs. Effective Mentoring That Helps To Structure Time

Discipline vs. Punishment

Expected “Norm” vs. Quality Time

Your thoughts on these tensions…

or input of others?

Here is the picture of our current fabulous giveaway…

which will be announced next week sometime!…

So keep those comments coming!

This has been one of the most emotionally taxing months that I can remember…

and I’m not referring to a “day one of one month”…

to “day one of the next” scenario.

In fact…

it seems like all too recently…

I shared with you that I was emotionally spent…

and wanted to be candid and up front.

That the last thing that I ever want to convey…

is that I have somehow…

“arrived”…

Circumstantially or otherwise.

I have shared with you more than once…

that the “Hero Hubby” and I…

have worked with youth of all ages…

for over 20 years.

It has been both a privilege and an honor.

We have helped to develop some pretty amazing ones…

that will most definitely lead, move and shake their generation.

In fact…

the punks stellar young people pictured here…

were given a national honor…

thanks to the mentoring of their coach/mom!

She’s also pictured.

Last evening…

near Bishop California…

there was a tragic accident involving three vehicles.

One of the vehicles…

one of three vans full of athletes from California Baptist University…

suffered a fatality…

and serious injuries.

One of “our kids” was in that van.

She is in serious condition in a hospital in Mammoth…

to which she and others were air lifted.

She is currently stable.

I opened a discussion about tension Monday.

There have been some great contributions.

I hope that there will be more.

One of the tensions that wasn’t even on my radar…

but is currently in the forefront…

is this…

(and if you have young children…

listen up anyway…

because you WILL “get there!”)

That’s a promise.

Not a possibility.

There is the tension between young adults and parents.

It’s a healthy tension…

but often a delicate one.

You raise your kids…

Leadership Education model especially included…

to be independent…

self-sufficient…

responsible adults.

And yet…

what about the tension of naivete’…

on their part…

versus the “life experience”…

and exposure to “impossibilities”…

on yours?

Without the experience that you have…

they can’t be as mature and objective…

as they often need to be.

Because “society at large”…

sees and acknowledges them as adults.

Life is…

for the most part…

all that is delightful and good in their world.

They’re on a perpetual upswing…

for now.

You…

on the other hand…

have experienced the bittersweet balance…

that exists between what-if-I-don’t-get-that-position…

(or whatever you’d use to fill in the blank)…

and can’t provide what is needed?

Tension between idealism and reality…

and knowing how to leverage…

the relationship that you worked so tirelessly…

to cultivate with your “child-that-is-now-an-adult”…

for the ultimate good and benefit of all…

is a significant tension, for sure!

Their infallibility would normally be included somewhere in there as well.

But not today.

Or even this week.

Possibly not this month, either.

Because “our girl”, Alicia…

is lying in a hospital…

fighting a lot of things.

Both physically and mentally.

Won’t you please remember her and her family…

in your thoughts and prayers?

And Alicia…

for all the times that you went at me or Mr. Helms…

with full gusto…

and your toes-on-the-line…

the times you laugh hysterically…

even when you should have chosen silence…

the joy…

the now seemingly benign “defiance”…

that is often misplaced by zealous..

well-meaning..

up-and-coming young leaders…

could you use all of that robust energy…

and get well?

And while your at it…

know with all your heart, mind and soul…

that there is a God that loves you…

cares for you…

and miraculously spared you?

Thanks.

Oh…

and one last thing…

I don’t think I’ve told you since January…

how much I love you…

and how proud I am of you!

Now get busy, okay?

Moms, Dads, Mentors, Friends…

Brothers, Sisters…

and everyone in between…

a hug and a soft answer…

go a long way in easing negative tension…

while validating and enforcing the necessity of its presence.

By all means…

go practice!

A special thanks to my brother, Tim Driver…

who is not a biological parent…

but yet a parent-figure, friend, and extraordinary mentor to many…

including his big sister.

Thanks for leveraging tension so beautifully this afternoon…

like you always do…

and for giving me the inspiration for this blog post…

when I was grieving too deeply to do it alone.

I love you bunches.

Until Friday,

It’s not exactly a word that conjures up positive connotations!

This past Thursday and Friday…

I had the privilege of attending an incredible Global Leadership Summit.

It was telecast from Chicago.

The speaker line-up was simply amazing!

Jim Collins, Terri Kelly, Tony  Dungy, Daniel H. Pink, Blake Mycoskie…

and THE Jack Welch…

to name a few.

That’s right.

I’ve attended a lot of conferences in my day…

and this one is hands down…

THE best investment of my time and money EVER.

Another speaker was a gentleman of less renown in the secular world…

by the name of Andy Stanley.

Andy is the senior pastor of a church in Alpharetta, Georgia…

that has a weekly attendance of  more than 28,000 people.

He just turned 51.

The talk that he shared was not without huge epiphanies…

impact…

effectiveness.

It’s title?

The Upside of Tension.

This week…

all week…

we are going to talk about several of the things that he shared.

They are thought provoking…

conversation stimulating…

paradigm shifting…

principles.

And they couldn’t apply more…

to leaders…

and a Leadership Education environment.

I have thought so very much…

about what he had to say…

as it applies to my life as a wife…

mother…

mentor…

friend…

community leader.

Tension is defined in Webster’s 1828 Dictionary as…

1. The act of stretching or straining;…2. The state of being stretched or strained to stiffness; or the state of being bent or strained…3. Distension.

The premise is this…

Every “organization” has problems that shouldn’t be solved…

and tensions that shouldn’t be resolved.

Why?

Because in the resolve…

you simply create new tensions!

Real progress depends not on the resolution of those tensions…

but on the successful management of those tensions.

Here are an example of two tensions…

that we all  need to manage regularly.

Schooling…

which according to the 1828 is…

instructing; teaching; reproving.

And Educating…

which is…

instructing; enlightening the understanding, and forming the manners.

He went on to explain…

that “problems to solve”…

are often mistaken for the tensions in life…

that need to be leveraged and managed!

Talk about thought provoking!

This week…

it is my hope…

that we will engage in interesting..

thought provoking dialogue together…

about all of the ways that we could make progress…

as leaders and mentors…

if we will learn to distinguish between problems and tension!

So…

put on your thinking cap…

even start taking the time to write down examples of “tensions”…

and we’ll meet up on Wednesday to begin discussing!

Don’t hesitate to share these in the comments section!

It will most likely broaden our options!

See you Wednesday!

And no…

I didn’t forget!

This week’s giveaway is also courtesy of Christy Gandara…

at OneCreativeBug.

It is a set of two plexi-glass-like boards.

One is a “To Do” list…

the other is a “What’s Cookin’?” week day schedule- at- a-glance.

They’re convenient…

in that you use a wipe off Vis-a-Vis marker on each of them…

and start fresh both daily and weekly respectively.

They are decorated, of course…

and I will post a picture on Wednesday!

My brain has been going non-stop since Thursday…

and admittedly…

it is a refreshing change from my mouth…

is it not?!

I’m tired…

and I’ll see you Wednesday!

XO,

Our winner was chosen by Random.org and was Gale de la Rosa!  Congratulations, Gale!  If, when you put this lovely saying up, it’s missing one morning off of your wall…it was me!  Send me an e-mail with your address in it, and I’ll get this off to you!

This article is long, but worth the read.  And be sure to comment…

as I will be announcing another giveaway on Monday!

Monday is the early bird deadline for registration for the Sept. 10-11 Face to Face in Temecula.

Contact evlundquist@gmail.com to register. 

The Best High School Valedictorian Speech Written by Erica Goldson
The 2010 Graduating Class of Coxsackie-Athens High School.

Comment: The following speech was delivered by top of the class student Erica Goldson during the graduation ceremony at Coxsackie-Athens High School on June 25, 2010
Here I Stand
There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, “If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen? The Master thought about this, then replied, “Ten years . .” ?The student then said, “But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast — How long then?” Replied the Master, “Well, twenty years.” “But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?” asked the student. “Thirty years,” replied the Master. “But, I do not understand,” said the disappointed student. “At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?” ?Replied the Master, “When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path.”
This is the dilemma I’ve faced within the American education system. We are so focused on a goal, whether it be passing a test, or graduating as first in the class. However, in this way, we do not really learn. We do whatever it takes to achieve our original objective.
Some of you may be thinking, “Well, if you pass a test, or become valedictorian, didn’t you learn something? Well, yes, you learned something, but not all that you could have. Perhaps, you only learned how to memorize names, places, and dates to later on forget in order to clear your mind for the next test. School is not all that it can be. Right now, it is a place for most people to determine that their goal is to get out as soon as possible.
I am now accomplishing that goal. I am graduating. I should look at this as a positive experience, especially being at the top of my class. However, in retrospect, I cannot say that I am any more intelligent than my peers. I can attest that I am only the best at doing what I am told and working the system. Yet, here I stand, and I am supposed to be proud that I have completed this period of indoctrination. I will leave in the fall to go on to the next phase expected of me, in order to receive a paper document that certifies that I am capable of work. But I contest that I am a human being, a thinker, an adventurer – not a worker. A worker is someone who is trapped within repetition – a slave of the system set up before him. But now, I have successfully shown that I was the best slave. I did what I was told to the extreme. While others sat in class and doodled to later become great artists, I sat in class to take notes and become a great test-taker. While others would come to class without their homework done because they were reading about an interest of theirs, I never missed an assignment. While others were creating music and writing lyrics, I decided to do extra credit, even though I never needed it. So, I wonder, why did I even want this position? Sure, I earned it, but what will come of it? When I leave educational institutionalism, will I be successful or forever lost? I have no clue about what I want to do with my life; I have no interests because I saw every subject of study as work, and I excelled at every subject just for the purpose of excelling, not learning. And quite frankly, now I’m scared.
John Taylor Gatto, a retired school teacher and activist critical of compulsory schooling, asserts, “We could encourage the best qualities of youthfulness – curiosity, adventure, resilience, the capacity for surprising insight simply by being more flexible about time, texts, and tests, by introducing kids into truly competent adults, and by giving each student what autonomy he or she needs in order to take a risk every now and then. But we don’t do that.” Between these cinderblock walls, we are all expected to be the same. We are trained to ace every standardized test, and those who deviate and see light through a different lens are worthless to the scheme of public education, and therefore viewed with contempt.
H. L. Mencken wrote in The American Mercury for April 1924 that the aim of public education is not “to fill the young of the species with knowledge and awaken their intelligence. … Nothing could be further from the truth. The aim … is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States.”
Comment: The full passage reads: “The aim of public education is not to spread enlightenment at all; it is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States, whatever pretensions of politicians, pedagogues other such mountebanks, and that is its aim everywhere else.”
To illustrate this idea, doesn’t it perturb you to learn about the idea of “critical thinking.” Is there really such a thing as “uncritically thinking?” To think is to process information in order to form an opinion. But if we are not critical when processing this information, are we really thinking? Or are we mindlessly accepting other opinions as truth?
This was happening to me, and if it wasn’t for the rare occurrence of an avant-garde tenth grade English teacher, Donna Bryan, who allowed me to open my mind and ask questions before accepting textbook doctrine, I would have been doomed. I am now enlightened, but my mind still feels disabled. I must retrain myself and constantly remember how insane this ostensibly sane place really is.
And now here I am in a world guided by fear, a world suppressing the uniqueness that lies inside each of us, a world where we can either acquiesce to the inhuman nonsense of corporatism and materialism or insist on change. We are not enlivened by an educational system that clandestinely sets us up for jobs that could be automated, for work that need not be done, for enslavement without fervency for meaningful achievement. We have no choices in life when money is our motivational force. Our motivational force ought to be passion, but this is lost from the moment we step into a system that trains us, rather than inspires us.
We are more than robotic bookshelves, conditioned to blurt out facts we were taught in school. We are all very special, every human on this planet is so special, so aren’t we all deserving of something better, of using our minds for innovation, rather than memorization, for creativity, rather than futile activity, for rumination rather than stagnation? We are not here to get a degree, to then get a job, so we can consume industry-approved placation after placation. There is more, and more still.
The saddest part is that the majority of students don’t have the opportunity to reflect as I did. The majority of students are put through the same brainwashing techniques in order to create a complacent labor force working in the interests of large corporations and secretive government, and worst of all, they are completely unaware of it. I will never be able to turn back these 18 years. I can’t run away to another country with an education system meant to enlighten rather than condition. This part of my life is over, and I want to make sure that no other child will have his or her potential suppressed by powers meant to exploit and control. We are human beings. We are thinkers, dreamers, explorers, artists, writers, engineers. We are anything we want to be – but only if we have an educational system that supports us rather than holds us down. A tree can grow, but only if its roots are given a healthy foundation.
For those of you out there that must continue to sit in desks and yield to the authoritarian ideologies of instructors, do not be disheartened. You still have the opportunity to stand up, ask questions, be critical, andcreate your own perspective. Demand a setting that will provide you with intellectual capabilities that allow you to expand your mind instead of directing it. Demand that you be interested in class. Demand that the excuse, “You have to learn this for the test” is not good enough for you. Education is an excellent tool, if used properly, but focus more on learning rather than getting good grades.
For those of you that work within the system that I am condemning, I do not mean to insult; I intend to motivate. You have the power to change the incompetencies of this system. I know that you did not become a teacher or administrator to see your students bored. You cannot accept the authority of the governing bodies that tell you what to teach, how to teach it, and that you will be punished if you do not comply. Our potential is at stake.
For those of you that are now leaving this establishment, I say, do not forget what went on in these classrooms. Do not abandon those that come after you. We are the new future and we are not going to let tradition stand. We will break down the walls of corruption to let a garden of knowledge grow throughout America. Once educated properly, we will have the power to do anything, and best of all, we will only use that power for good, for we will be cultivated and wise. We will not accept anything at face value. We will ask questions, and we will demand truth.
So, here I stand. I am not standing here as valedictorian by myself. I was molded by my environment, by all of my peers who are sitting here watching me. I couldn’t have accomplished this without all of you. It was all of you who truly made me the person I am today. It was all of you who were my competition, yet my backbone. In that way, we are all valedictorians.
I am now supposed to say farewell to this institution, those who maintain it, and those who stand with me and behind me, but I hope this farewell is more of a “see you later” when we are all working together to rear a pedagogic movement. But first, let’s go get those pieces of paper that tell us that we’re smart enough to do so!