Congratulations to Ashlee DePhillippo!  Ashlee, you have a seat at the FATJEF on Saturday, March 3, 2012, in Rancho Cucamonga, at the Goldy S. Lewis Center

paradox [ˈpærəˌdɒks] n.

A person or thing exhibiting apparently contradictory characteristics.

So…

Seattle…

the week of January 16th.

“Clean Out My Brother’s Belongings Week”…

more aptly titled…

“Snowmaggedon.”

I can’t remember when…

I’ve both dreaded and subconsciously feared…

anything more.

Armed with Sons #3-#5…

the four of us left at an insanely early hour…

in order to make our 2:00 p.m. commitment.

We landed to see this.

It’s a good thing the words were spelled out clearly here!

While the surroundings were quite familiar…

(comforting, even…)

for a moment…

I thought we took a wrong turn!

Huge, white flakes were voraciously descending…

from a dense and totally-socked-in-sky.

It.was.freezing!

When we got to the rental car building…

Son #3 came through in the clutch.

“Please, for the love…

of everything moral and decent…

do not tell me…

that the guy driving up…

is in our rig.”

Two words: Mini-Van.

I digress in order to say…

that I simply love, love…

love it when my children exhibit trust!

We weren’t even to the counter yet.

The atmosphere in line…

was somewhere just below…

full blown panic…

and I marveled at how well…

I could relate…

given the emotional build up…

to the events I was facing.

Sons #4-#5…

were practically wearing…

“Yes, we’ve grown up…

in the Sunshine State” badges…

as they frolicked out front…

throwing snowballs at one another…

while possibly inadvertently pegging…

a few innocent bystanders.

If you were one and reading…

I truly am sorry.

Truth be known…

I had been mulling over…

the possibilities of being stuck.

I just piled this…

on top of the rest of my totally…

unsubstantiated worries!

I settled on a steed…

(Suburban)

that was now clipping along…

at a rather brisk pace…

in order to meet the deadline…

of arriving at the University of Washington…

Hec Edmundson Pavilion…

for a presentation…

honoring my brother, Tim.

There are very few things…

that I can think back upon…

in the life of my brother…

that were easily executed.

Therefore, the present circumstances…

should’ve come as no surprise.

Oh, he made it look that way…

over and over again…

but my,my…

can’t looks be deceiving?

If the shoe were on the other foot…

he would most definitely chime in here…

and state that my attendance…

at his sporting events…

was the part…

that was anything but easy.

Ron Bollinger and Tim…

coached basketball together for years.

Lots of them.

Inclement weather…

snow, sleet, nor hail…

would keep us…

and our dear friends, the Browns…

from this auspicious occasion.

Ron is a part of Friends of Hoop…

and every year they host a huge…

tournament over the weekend in America…

that honors Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Some of the games are even televised.

While I grew up in Seattle…

I left there many years ago…

for Southern California…

where we were going to live for one year.

That was 28 years ago.

Hec Ed was where I graduated.

I love this landmark.

That day…

it took on even more significant meaning.

We were ushered inside…

to the VIP section…

where we watched a game.

Loved it.

A beautiful honor and privilege.

The building is immense…

the game was exciting…

the crowd enthusiastic.

Mostly because there were…

even more games to come!

Except for the part…

where I know…

beyond the shadow of a doubt…

my brother was rolling his eyes…

and heaving a huge sigh.

Yes…

there was a rather large box of M & Ms…

that perhaps in an exciting moment…

got jostled from my purse…

and bounced…

VERY LOUDLY…

down every.single.step…

into each and every section…

below me.

It got very quiet.

Mostly…

because the sound resembled…

gun fire, I think.

Son #3…

“You couldn’t have gotten DOTS?!”

Between games…

they honored my brother…

by bringing Ron and myself…

center court…

while they showed this…

and read some humbling…

yet incredible things.

Interesting that my brother was also both.

And surrounded himself daily…

with equally great individuals.

In Western Civilization…

we laud this type of recognition.

It certainly is both a privilege and an honor.

But we can tend to take it way too far…

by attributing it to success.

My brother was insanely successful…

but the paradox will hopefully…

not only surprise you…

but also make you think.

I know I certainly have…

and will continue to do so.

That, my friends…

becomes significant legacy.

So very grateful that my kids got to live it.

Can’t wait to share more,

Know that as you are reading this today, I, along with a portion of my family am preparing to return home from Seattle, where we have been, tying up loose ends regarding my brother’s home and other things.  I intend to keep my word to you this year and profile him intermittently here on the blog, in a series that looks at the journey involved in one person’s life on the path to becoming an incredible leader.  My brother was a tremendous man, and a phenomenal educator, teacher, coach and friend.  Even in his death, he continues to educate me about life…which is just as he would have wanted it.  I thought it fitting to take you back to the first time he was here on TommyMom, which was January 15, 2010. Enjoy.  As I reread this interview I had several laughs and many smiles.  I look forward to celebrating Tim even more with you this year.

Tim Driver has been in education for 23 years. During this time, he has been both a teacher and an administrator.He’s taught a spectrum that includes everything from junior high to graduate school. Some of his most effective work has been with at-risk youth; designing and implementing a program specifically for them and running it successfully for 12 years in the Lake Washington School District.

He has also coached at the high school level in four different sports for 24 years, with numerous trips to state tournaments and a state championship in 1992.

He will be speaking at the upcoming FATJEF in Rancho Cucamonga on Saturday, April 24, 2010.

The reason for the slightly casual, somewhat irreverent approach to this interview?

He also happens to be my kid brother. As awesome as he is, in the eyes of his older sister…

he’s still a “punk!”

Favorite book:

The Bible, No Other Alternative (when it gets published)a book that he has written, chronicling his journey with the founding and administering of his at-risk youth program.  Update: I have this manuscript and am considering an E-book to be made available here.  More on that later! ~Teri

Favorite sibling: Never mind… ;0)

I have no favorite sibling…………..I’m an only twin.

Favorite board game:

I’d have to say chess at this point in my life. That may change to checkers as I age.

Anything else along these lines you’d like to cough up?

Love to write lyrics and thought provoking comedy. I also speak all over the place to many groups as well. I enjoy that very much.

Why did you go into teaching?

All through school, people would ask me to help them in one class or another. I got to the place where I gained a little bit of confidence there. But it wasn’t until I worked with high school at-risk kids that I decided that was what I wanted to do. I also had many GREAT teachers such as Bruce Brown, Thad McManus and Don Harney who were great role models for me; along with Mary Ousley, Jim Murphy, and too many others to name.

Favorite subject:

History, Political Science, as it relates to teaching people how to study it.

While I happen to know that teaching is a passion; for you coaching happens to be right up there with it. Why do you love to mentor in this way?

Coaching IS teaching. John Wooden never called himself a coach, but a teacher.

Just as in the classroom, you’re teaching so much more than your subject or sport. You are teaching life lessons.

The reason I enjoy coaching so much is because you can see growth in kids’ lives so dramatically over a 3-4 year stretch.

The title of one of your presentations for the upcoming FATJEF in April is “Helicopter Parenting: It Isn’t a Good Idea. Do you care to expound and explain?

Parents have an INCREDIBLY important role in the lives of their children. But some parents don’t understand that ONE of those roles is to teach them independence. Parents who never let their kids have a problem, a conflict, or a struggle without their intervention are doing their kids a huge disservice. I will be discussing some strategies that parents can use to create boundaries for themselves, that allow them to still be actively involved but in appropriate ways.

What, in your perspective, is a healthy balance between a “Helicopter Parent” household and the public school situation described in John Taylor Gatto’s article “The Seven Lesson Schoolteacher?”( keeping in mind that most parents really do want what is best for their children.)

Not to oversimplify, but if people are relying on school to fully educate their children, they are in trouble. Likewise, if people are counting on home to fully educate their children, they are in equal trouble.

I think that even when people do a good job of home educating their kids, there is still a tremendous fear that they aren’t measuring up. One of the greatest things you helped me to realize, is that there is a very fine line between an at-risk youth and a driven honor student. It really makes you think about motive. Care to explain this one?

I have not met a competent teacher yet that doesn’t question their own effectiveness. We ALL do.

Having taught both ends of the spectrum, from junior high, up through the graduate college level; I can say confidently that people are people. Labels that are attached to them can have incredible impact. I’ve found that honors kids are really quite deficient in some areas, scared to death that people will discover it. Likewise, at-risk kids are incredibly PROficient in some areas, equally as scared that someone will find out. Grad students are no different.

What is one of the greatest life skills or character traits in your opinion that you believe a parent or mentor can model for kids?

Integrity

What is the greatest thing that a student ever taught you?

That I need to have a teachable spirit every day and learn every bit as much from others as I am expecting others to learn.

Anything else you want to say at this time? ( Bear in mind that I can censor you at the click of a button) But go ahead…really.

Is the witness excused?

Thanks for doing this for me….

Not a problem. I actually cheated off of someone else’s paper.

I will attempt at some point in 2010 to do at least 3 kind things for you in return…

maybe.

I shant hold my breath.

“Love hurts.” ~ Boudleaux Bryant

The lyrics to this song…

which really says it all in its title…

were recorded by many an artist.

First the Everly Brothers…

the rock band Nazareth…

and eventually Cher.

Being a product of the 1970′s…

in many ways…

she is quite possibly where I heard it.

Regardless of who is crooning out the lyrics…

the lyrics state it all.

And boy-howdy…

are they ever true.

I have been asked hundreds of times…

(yes, that would be literal)

why we chose to home educate…

“The Fab 5.”

While there are many reasons…

that have been sited over the years…

(and the list of them is miles long)

the one I’m sharing today…

doesn’t come to the forefront…

as a solid expression that often.

It is, rather…

implied lots of the time.

But now is a very appropriate time…

for it to be shared.

Shortly…

I, along with Sons #3-5…

will be boarding a plane…

for Seattle…

in order to tie up…

the remaining loose ends…

where my brother’s passing are concerned.

I will go to his house…

clear out the last of his personal possessions…

file paperwork at the DMV…

make decisions…

attend meetings…

and meet with friends.

Some of them are new…

still others are nearly lifelong.

It’s not something…

that I’m particularly looking forward to…

and yet, it simply must be done.

There is a tremendous amount of life…

that is compartmentalized in our country.

Birth…

death…

education…

and specific and “relevant” age groupings…

depending on activities.

One of the things I genuinely cherish…

about our home educating experience…

is the cohesiveness to life that it has afforded.

My kids don’t have a normal peer group.

They can have a conversation with a 4-year-old…

and just as effortlessly…

engage someone who’s 84!

Yes, I know people from all educational backgrounds…

that can do the same.

My point is…

we have had the privilege of viewing…

both our triumphs as well as our trials…

together in this family…

minus compartments!

I’m a church-going individual…

lover of Jesus…

retired Pastor’s kid.

Most of you know that.

Today in church…

I was privileged with great encouragement…

via Shawn Manley.

He reminded us…

that in Hellenistic Greek…

there are 4 kinds of love.

Two pertain to this post.

Philia…

which includes loyalty to friends..

family and community…

who have similar values to your own.

And  Agape…

which is complete…

unconditional love.

It exhibits the highest form of resolve.

Regardless…

every kind of love involves a choice.

I want my kids to witness first hand…

the value that their uncle placed on people…

over accumulating personal things.

I want them to know…

that quite often…

personal choice…

as well as genuine love for others…

involves…

persevering through really tough things.

But that even really difficult…

painful circumstances and situations…

afford opportunities…

for tremendous life lessons…

as well as personal growth.

My dear friend, Cyndi Hake-Castro…

stated my situation well.

“The only way out…is through. Any time we are running or hiding from something, it has power and authority over us.  If we are afraid of something then we will always be afraid of it. I’m in the process of confronting and walking through!  Not giving up!”

When looking at the less-than-desirable circumstances…

that will soon be in my present…

it would be easy to compartmentalize…

my children…

the situations…

and stuff.

But life is often messy.

And the best teacher by far…

is personal example.

My brother, Tim…

was a tremendous example…

both in the Philia…

and Agape Love departments.

I desire for my children to see…

that pain is no respecter of persons…

that it needs to be dealt with…

that crying and grieving…

go hand-in-hand…

with living and celebrating…

every life well-lived…

and that ideally…

these examples…

are learned and observed first…

within a family.

Because when inevitabilities…

within the journey of life strike…

in the end…

the lessons modeled and learned…

are powerful…

when they involve…

the merits of love.