Culture, part 3

Today, we end our three part series on Culture; with a concluding post from guest, Tim Driver.  There have been many requests that Mr. Driver visit more often; and address issues that readers have.  This is great feedback, and we’re going to do it! ;0)  If you have “situations” or “issues” that you would like him to address, please e-mail them to helms.teri@gmail.com and put “Driver’s Ed” in the subject line.  Tim will now be contributing to TommyMom monthly, if not more often.

This photo of Mr. Driver was taken in London, England, in the storage area of the Hard Rock Cafe’; when he took the two oldest punks students in our family, to play and “study” historic sites with him.  Just so you know…he doesn’t play the guitar, either.  Over and out.

If you have been here for all 3 culture articles…

let me know where to mail your clay snake!

For a quick review…

Culture 1 was about Define, Model, Shape, Reinforce.

Culture 2 was about how to deal with those INSIDE the culture…

who would otherwise attempt to defy the “absolutes”.

( I think the video might be called 8 minute Abs-olutes)

Today’s third and final segment…

is about keeping your culture in tact…

despite attacks from OUTSIDE cultures or influences.

This is really a two pronged exploration as well.

The balance lies in how much we protect those in our culture…

FROM the outside influences that otherwise might damage them, or our entire culture…

versus how much to expose the people in our culture TO those outside influences…

so that they can stand on their own two feet…

defending their core values without being “sheltered”.

Tough question huh?

1 or 24 of you have asked yourselves that before, have you?

Here’s my attempt at an answer.

Let me start with a story to emphasize the “protective” aspect.

Jenni came from what could be the most dysfunctional family situation I have ever witnessed.

I am proud to say that Jenni came out the other side in tact, and actually thriving.

A true testament to her courage and fortitude.

I consider her my friend.

At the time of this story, she was my student.

Through some fault of her own, but mostly through the fault of her extreme circumstances, Jenni was at the point where if she missed 1 more day of school, she was done.

Expelled.

Game over.

She could see the end of the world without the use of any ocular enhancements.

She could not miss for ANY reason.

Not illness…

not a Dr. appointment…

NOTHING.

She knew there was no wiggle room…

as most at-risk kids do when they reach the edge of the globe…

and had been very careful to be early and attending every day…

for almost 3 months straight.

Success was on her radar now.

She had bought into our culture.

One morning there was no Jenni.

I was worried as the clock got closer and closer to 8:15.

Still no Jenni.

Finally at about 8:12 the phone rang.

Jenni was sobbing hysterically.

Through the sobs Jenni was able to communicate that her alcoholic/drug addicted father…

( that was the mild part of the family dynamic)…

had been out all night…

had come home and thrown all of her stuff out on the lawn…

and was holding a gun in his mouth…

and telling her to go to school so he could kill himself.

Be Jenni for a moment.

If you go, you may lose your dad.

If you stay, your entire future could be jeopardized.

Be ME for a moment.

If I tell her she will be expelled if she doesn’t show,…

she is pressured to potentially lose her dad.

If I don’t report her as absent…

I could lose my job…

(potentially)…

and all the kids that are in the program are looking at me…

to see if I’m going to support the “absolutes”…

or make an exception.

I also know that if I make an exception for her somehow…

that they will all feel the sense of entitlement…

to make an excuse in their own situations down the road.

This is what I miss about working with these kids.

I love these situations!

If you look back…

you’ll remember I said that absolutes…

should only be compromised in EXTREME circumstances.

This qualified.

I told Jenni to hold the line for a moment.

I told the other teacher, when I gave her the signal…

to put the phone on “speaker”.

I read the roll.

When I got to Jenni’s name…

I called her out.

It hadn’t sunk in with her yet.

I called her name again.

It clicked!

She yelled out, “I’m HERE!”

I said, “Very good Jenni, now you can get to work on that math from yesterday’s assignment.”

“Thank you SO much Mr. Driver.”

I canceled social studies for 1st period that day.

History wasn’t nearly as important as the present.

I explained to the kids why an exception and ‘creative’ problem solving was necessary.

I also told them why the absolutes were still important…

and that if they were ever in such dire straights…

they could count on me to creatively problem solve for them…

but not to count on it for their other lame excuses. :0)

They totally got it.

Say what you want about at-risk kids,…

but they ALWAYS rally in the midst of other people’s drama.

I love them for that.

What’s the point?

Well…

there are times where external forces seek to destroy the strong culture you’ve established.

These cultures mock your standards…

flagrantly fly in the face of your group’s morals or beliefs…

or slowly try to undermine the importance of such core values.

In extreme circumstances…

it is okay to bend the absolutes in order to avoid disaster…

and to promote the greater good.

If you find that exceptions are coming along more and more frequently however…

exception is probably more the rule…

than…the exception.

The second part of the question however…

deals with how much we should let those in our culture…

stand for themselves in the midst of such external challenge.

Kids especially…

need PRACTICE at defining, demonstrating, and defending their core values.

If you step in every time there is a conflict with a coach…

friend…

adult…

boss…

or community member…

you are doing them a DISservice.

I spoke with a man that did all the hiring of engineers for the Boeing Company.

He told me, much to my shock…

that Boeing was actually having to train hiring managers…

how to deal with the PARENTS of the people applying for engineering jobs.

He further stated that parents would call…

asking why their son/daughter was not given the position…

or would even show up to interviews!

The lesson?

If you solve all your kids problems…

and fight all their battles…

you’ll be doing it until you die.

The same is true in a team or company setting.

If people are never allowed to stand on their own…

they’ll always be reliant on others.

Some companies LIKE it this way…

as it keeps their employees “weak”.

I disagree with this approach.

Instead…

allow for “safe risks” that those in your culture can take.

Don’t shelter them from opposing viewpoints…

have them STUDY them.

As a coach myself…

the more I know about my opponent…

the better prepared I can be.

Something along the lines of…

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”…

comes to mind.

Where do you want your kids taking risks?

When kids who have been sheltered get out on their own…

and realize there are “other morals” and “other beliefs”…

they have not had the practice of defending or solidifying in their own minds…

WHY their values stand the test of time and turmoil.

It is then they either fold and give in to the counter culture…

or come running back for someone else to fight the battle.

Letting our culture members struggle a bit may be one of the hardest things leaders have to do.

But what if a parent never let their child fall when trying to walk?

They would be carrying them their whole life.

Bingo.

I’m not suggesting never helping.

But the FORM that help takes makes all the difference.
Advice
Asking great questions…

“What are YOU going to do about that, son? What’s your plan?”
Reminding of the values and defining them again…

for THEIR decision making.

Modeling the right behaviors…

so that they can emulate them on their own.

In summary…

there will NEVER be a time where your culture isn’t under attack.

But stressing about it…

or being overprotective doesn’t help the situation.

Instead…

it makes it worse.

Exceptions can and DO exist…

but they are only for extreme cases.

Hopefully this trilogy on culture has been helpful.

You are ALWAYS welcome to contact me with questions and “what ifs”.

I will do whatever I can to help.

If you would like to make a contribution…

I could use some new Play-Doh.

My blue has mistakenly blended with my white…

and I can’t do a THING with either of them!

Best,
Tim-

Filed under Driver's Ed. | Comments (3)

Culture, part 2

Today, we continue our presentation and discussion of “Culture” here on TommyMom. Our guest is Tim Driver.  For more information on Mr. Driver, you can refer back to the post on Friday, August 27th; if you haven’t already read it.

Last time we chatted, the discussion centered around Define, Model, Shape, Reinforce…

and clay snakes.

Admittedly it looks great on paper…

and when dealing with a majority of the population…

it actually works in real life, too.

As Yogi Berra once said, “In theory, theory and reality are the same. In reality, they’re not.”

Having worked with at-risk youth for quite a stretch, my knee jerk reaction is always to ask the unpopular question…
“What do you do when people don’t buy in, or intentionally try to sabotage what we are doing?”

The silence can be deafening.

It’s time to break the silence.

The best way to approach this problem is with a two-pronged attack.

First, how do you PREVENT people from ever getting to a place…

where they are bent on defiance and sabotage…

and second, if it’s too late…

how do you get people to RETURN to going with the flow?

ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY

You can prevent future defiance by having some absolutes in place.

These are definitely related to the core values.

The common phrase, “Pick your battles” comes to mind.

Kids, adults, and everyone in between should be held accountable to SOME absolutes within any culture.

Simply put, “This NEVER happens here” or “This ALWAYS happens here.”

Be very strategic about what you pick for your absolutes, as they will set the tone or “flavor” of your home, business, team, or group.

It is better to state one’s absolutes in the positive.

For instance…

instead of “We NEVER lie” try “We are ALWAYS truthful.”

This sets a more positive tone and reinforces what you DO want vs. what you don’t want.

Make certain that EVERYONE is aware of the consequences that take place when these absolutes are broken and make SURE to follow through the FIRST time and EVERY time when these are violated.

Absolutes should never be bargained unless an extremely rare situation arises.

More on this if I’m ever asked back.

It is this consistency that will also help rebellious participants conform.

While they may test the limits right out of the chute, or inch their way closer and closer to them…

the chaos creators will actually find a comfort in knowing that absolutes DO exist…

and that they are enforced with predictability.

It’s when random enforcement, or favoritism occurs…

that the pot stirrers will intentionally bring things to an overflowing boil.

Sometimes they will attempt to create an inconsistency.

Don’t fall for it.

Picture these absolutes as the steel cage that holds your culture together.

MICRO WAVE GOODBYE

With a strong predictable framework in place, it gives leaders the ability to be more flexible on the individual circumstances.

Avoid micro managing.

Not EVERYTHING is an absolute!

Even though my mother may have uttered, “You are ABSOLUTELY going to eat those brussel sprouts!”…

thankfully, iron enrichment was not an “absolute” in our family.

This is the trickiest part of “everyday” culture building.

Allow me to paint a picture with words…

since my watercolor skills are worthless.

Parent says to the kid, “You agreed that if I let you have a Snickers after school, that you’d eat all your vegetables at dinner.”

Kid responds, ” I HATE beets. They SUCK!”

(Though I’m sure none of my nephews pictured above have ever bellowed such nonsense.)

Parent thinks to themselves, “Beets are not a core value, I really don’t much care for them either. Is this really worth going to war over?”

Some parents might try the “Well I’m going to make you carrots then, and you have to eat all of those” ploy.

Others might rely on the time tested, “You’re not leaving this table until every one of those beets is eaten!” strategy.

Can I interject here?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT VEGETABLES IN ANY WAY!

Parents who choose the first option are bargaining with what seems a reasonable alternative, substituting a lesser evil.

They miss a huge message that is flying below the radar.

For me, when I hear this stuff, it’s like nails on the chalkboard.

The only thing that makes this approach worse is the icing on the cake…

“It just isn’t worth fighting.”

Parents who choose option two are being totally rigid about something that should never be a line in the sand………beets.

Your teenager will point this out.

“You’re really gonna get mad about beets, mom?”

This tip is no extra charge……NEVER EVER EVER argue with a teenager…

or any kid for that matter…

you’ll lose.

They aren’t smarter…

they just don’t have the logic and you’ll go in circles.

So what is the answer Tim?

( Those who peeked down here early……….I know who you are)

“No, I’m not upset about beets. I want you to live up to your word. That is what we do in this house. You gave me your word, and I need to be able to trust that.”

“Well it’s really no big deal, I’ll eat more tomorrow.”

(notice the clever ploy at trying to make it once again about vegetables? I’m tellin’ ya, DON’T argue with ‘em)

“Eating more tomorrow will not help you keep your word tonight. When you start to date or to drive, I need to know that your word is good!”

( raise the drama factor)  ” I can’t believe you’re saying that if I don’t eat these beets, I can’t drive or date. That’s stupid!.”

“Actually, I said that if I can’t trust your word, you can’t drive or date. How about just finishing them up?”

Now here is another danger zone folks.

There may be eye rolling, there may be a little ‘tude even.

But as long as they begin to follow through, let those things slide a bit.

You have won the MAJOR battle reinforcing an absolute.

As long as the disrespect level is low, allow for some frustration…

or you’ll be micromanaging.

What if they still refuse given the above scenario?

Well I would make sure that as excited as they get…

I am balancing it out on the mellow scale.

But a simple “stating of what is” can be a good strategy.

“Now you are not only going back on your word, but you are directly defying what I am asking you to do.”

This takes us to the third and final point.

( Thank the LORD! When is this guy gonna go play with his clay and leave us alone?)

CHOICE OFFERINGS

Giving defiant folks a choice can disarm them a bit…

but if not, it draws a line in the sand on THEIR beach…

not yours.

To continue the above scenario……

“Because you are not living up to your word, and are being defiant to what I’m asking you to do, you have a choice.

You can either ( state the consequences that have been laid out ahead of time when an absolute is not followed)
or you can finish your beets.

How important is this issue of not eating your beets to you?”

Notice the amazing crafty ploy of bringing it back to a simple issue of vegetables to DE-escalate the situation.

It’s brought back to veggies on YOUR terms.

Hey, I’m a veteran who served hard at-risk time…

these are secrets you’ll never find elsewhere!

At this point the defiant one actually thinks…

“Do I want (consequence) for not eating these?”

Maybe so.

Some really want to prove their stubbornness or not lose face.

If they serve the penalty, so be it.

Your absolute remains in tact, and the consequence has been reinforced.

Three footnotes.

1. Don’t sit and threaten for 45 minutes in hopes they will change their minds. Present the choice once, give time for thought. Present it a second time and say you need an answer or you will decide for them.
“Two and DO” is my term for that strategy. This works great when kids are watching TV/ on the computer and you say, “Turn that off and clean your room.”
Say it twice, then shut it off yourself if you’re being ignored. Watch how fast they move next time.

2. The choice should always be between Absolute and Consequence.

3. Once the absolute has been followed or the punishment served, literally start with a clean slate in your attitude toward the defiant one. Mistakes are part of growth. Conflict is the beginning of bigger solutions.
See them as great “shaping” opportunities.

In summary of this encyclopedic volume…

build a solid framework by having non-negotiable absolutes.

Then use every day circumstances to put “meat” on the skeleton.

Finally, don’t forget to give yourselves opportunities to be the “good guy” and “give in” on some things occasionally that have nothing to do with absolutes.

For instance…

“I’ve changed my mind and decided to let you stay over night at your friend’s house”.

The next episode is about fighting attack to your culture from the outside.

I do consult for a fee…

you have to finish all my pottery homework for me.

Tim

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Culture: Define, Model, Shape, and Reinforce

Tim Driver is Co-Principal of Insight School of Washington; which has an enrollment of just under 4,000 high school students.  Mr. Driver has done notable work in the field of At-Risk Youth for 20 years, and has coached multiple sports at the high school level for over 25.  He speaks to parents and students regularly on character and virtues that are needed for ultimate success in life.

He is also my “little” brother, and an “uncle extraordinaire” to my sons; as indicated by the picture below from “days gone by.”

Let me start by saying that in my conversation with my sister, I mentioned facing forward in an ELEVATOR, not an ESCALATOR.

I’m sure this syntax error was due to too much time spent in malls by my sibling.

With that said, I am happy to discuss culture, and the complexities that can surround it. My desire is to try and simplify the concept, making it a skill to be used in your coping toolbox!

Let’s dig in!

Culture in a sentence: “This is the way things are done here (in this family, in this company, etc.)”

Creating a culture from scratch: Starting a new family, organization etc. is exciting and scary!

All too often we wait until things are not going well before we realize….”We should have thought about that back when we started.”  (Guilty, your honor)

So within this culture building model, the process is to “Define, Model, Shape, and Reinforce”.

Regardless of whether you are starting from scratch or drastically trying to change course and save the SS Minnow from shipwreck…

( hopefully the Gilligan’s Island reference isn’t lost on this crowd)

the best way to initiate a culture is to agree upon a set of “core values”and DEFINE them.

Much like the pillars of TJEd, ( Yes, I’ve done a little homework…..probably more than I did in high school, actually) core values should be broad in nature, so that they cover multiple situations and limit the number of “rules” that are necessary.

For instance, if “Integrity” is one of the core values you want your family to stand for, then there is no need to have “honesty” as another, because honesty is part of having integrity.

When a situation comes up involving telling the truth, it can be dealt with this way: “Because this family is about integrity, we are always honest, even when it doesn’t serve our best interest.”

In doing so, a reminder is given of  the core values, and a connection is made that gives a child the “why” where honesty is concerned.

We don’t have to have rules for every situation.

When a cashier gives us too much money back, we don’t have to consult the rulebook to Category 4, subsection 4.23.33 paragraph 11. ( is it any wonder why government has lost all sight of any core value?)

Instead, we simply say, taking money that isn’t ours lacks integrity.

You can see why the definitions of the core values are so critical.

Keep the definitions brief and understandable, but sturdy.

Imagine if Enron, AIG and others had defined values from the get go. (More on this in another segment)

The next step in the process is to MODEL these core values.

Live them.

Wow, that was easy.

Be aware that those who you are installing the culture FOR, will be MORE than willing to point out when YOU do not live up to the core values yourself.

NOTHING kills a culture faster, giving everyone the right to make excuses or exceptions, than leaders who don’t follow their own rules.

Believe it or not, part of the Columbine disaster was due to administration not holding the more popular kids accountable. (double standard)

By the same token, NOTHING gives more STRENGTH to these life skills, than watching the leaders hold themselves accountable to them, and to all those who have committed to the same guiding pillars.

I was a horrible art student. Stick people were a challenge.

The culture at Tommy Mom is “artsy fartsy” with the colored lettering and photo montage pieces………..that ain’t me.

In pottery, specifically clay…

ashtrays were a pinnacle for me.

I was more the “I can roll a snake” kinda student.

But when it comes to people, correction/evaluation should take the mentality of SHAPING.

Correction is a process.

Situations are used to trim a little here, pinch a little there,  and sculpt a bit on the back end perhaps. ;0)
Regardless of your discipline philosophy, it should be used to “change behavior”.

One way to keep correction positive is to state what you want rather than harping on the negative.

Rather than saying, “You complain a lot, and you have a bad attitude”, it is more effective in reinforcing the culture to say, “We are about joy in this family, and I need your actions to reflect that.”

Be careful however…

that very phrase will be spit back at you the next time you’re in a foul mood.

Obviously there are times where we have to identify what the negative behaviors are, so that a connection can be made, but spend more time stating what the standard is, rather than how it wasn’t met.

You’ll be amazed at how those “bad attitudes” happen less often.

REINFORCING is the last piece of culture creation.

By reinforcing, you motivate others to continue the positive things they are doing, and allow for further training, modeling, shaping, etc.

The biggest thing to consider when reinforcing is NOT to wait for perfection before encouraging.

ANYTHING closer to the desired outcome should be recognized.

You don’t have to throw a parade and bring in a petting zoo, but even a “that’s better than last time” will quash discouragement.

The second most important thing with regards to reinforcing is “reward effort”. If you only praise and scold based on “results”, your culture will struggle or at best, be erratic.

Sometimes kids get results without putting forth the effort they should. This breeds lazy intellectuals. ;0)

Other times, people work extremely hard, only to find the results less than satisfying.

For example, you tell a child to clean the yard. They work for 3 hours, but leave little swaths unmowed, and weeds here and there. If you point out, “you missed these spots”…

what they will hear is, “It doesn’t matter how hard I try”.

You will get less EFFORT next time.

Instead, if you say, “I know you put a ton of time in and worked really hard on this yard, let me help you finish some of these spots”…

what they will hear is, “EFFORT MATTERS, my technique just needs to be shaped a little.”

Always reward effort and you will get more effort.

Hopefully this gives a little start to installing or recreating a culture.

There are more things to consider, such as how to defend your culture against outside attacks…

what to do when members refuse to live by the core values…

and other fun items for party discussion.

If anyone is interested in these topics, I can write again.

Otherwise I’m going back to sweating over my clay ashtray construction.

Best
Tim

Filed under Driver's Ed. | Comments (8)

What’s your “Culture” lookin’ like?

And the winner is…Tammie Lewis!  (raucous applause and cheering…)

Tammie is now equipped with both really cute “To Do” and “What’s Cookin?” wipe off household boards courtesy of Christy Gandara at One Creative Bug. I apologize for the brain lapse where this giveaway was concerned, folks!  And thanks to everyone that commented! Your input helps to continue to reinforce and build the virtual Leadership Education Community here on TommyMom.

I was talking with a friend last week…

that has chosen public education…

for her children.

They are a remarkable family.

It’s one of those…

in which leadership is defined…

by being servant-based…

quiet…

but very strong.

She and I concluded…

that culture…

is honestly…

the key to success…

or failure…

in most everything.

Culture as defined in Webster’s 1828 Dictionary is…

“The application of labor or other means to improve good qualities in, or growth;

as the culture of the mind:

the culture of virtue…  Any labor or means employed for improvement, correction or growth.”

So often…

people focus…

primarily on method…

and methodology.

Reality dictates…

that cultures…

both created…

and non-spoken…

are powerful influences…

in outcome.

For instance…

when people ask Hero Hubby and I…

“how did we achieve…

(fill in the blank) with our children?”

Many times…

the answer stems from the culture…

that we have consciously created for our family.

And again…

we really must also consider…

the power of influence in what we don’t say…

where culture is concerned as well.

I was discussing this…

with my punk …

quite-possibly-overly-qualified brother today.

As always…

he had multiple insights…

going many directions…

with tremendous examples…

that left me thinking…

thinking…

thinking.

He generally has that effect on me…

when we’re having conversations like this.

Follow along if you will…

Text: “Are you at football practice?”

“No.”

“May I call you?”

He calls.

Tim: “What’s up?’

Me:”I’m wanting to discuss “culture”…

for the next few days on TommyMom.

Will you write an article?”

Tim: “Sure…

That’s a mighty wide open topic….

that could go so many different directions.”

Me: “Which is why I’d like you…

to take it in a couple of different ones”…

(proceeding to name the ones I had in mind.)

Tim: “Well, yes…

but what about all of the other directions…

that come to mind?

What about majority culture…

that influences…

the minority one you’ve created?”

Or…

“How do you change an undesirable culture?”

Then there is always…

“Unspoken Culture.”

“For instance…

why do we always ride escalators facing forward?

No one told us we had to do that.

It’s an unspoken given in our culture.”

See, readers…

this is what takes up valuable time!

It’s simply one more thing to ponder!

When I ride the escalator…

on any given “trip”…

I may or may not be facing forward…

due to several notable articles of fashion…

that are possibly traveling the other direction!

Oh, yes, indeed….

we are very different people.

With nearly identical values.

Hello, Andy Stanley tension…

on a very regular basis!

So…

start thinking about…

and noticing…

“cultures.”

I promise you…

really…

truly…

when Friday…

and several other intermittent days…

come rolling around…

and “Driver’s Ed” is posted…

you’re in for a real treat!

Until then,

Filed under "We Have a Winner!" Wednesdays, Leadership Education, Real Life | Comments (2)

We interrupt our previously scheduled programming…

There’s no doubt about it.

This has been one of the most emotionally taxing months that I can remember…

and I’m not referring to a “day one of one month”…

to “day one of the next” scenario.

In fact…

it seems like all too recently…

I shared with you that I was emotionally spent…

and wanted to be candid and up front.

That the last thing that I ever want to convey…

is that I have somehow…

“arrived”…

Circumstantially or otherwise.

I have shared with you more than once…

that the “Hero Hubby” and I…

have worked with youth of all ages…

for over 20 years.

It has been both a privilege and an honor.

We have helped to develop some pretty amazing ones…

that will most definitely lead, move and shake their generation.

In fact…

the punks stellar young people pictured here…

were given a national honor…

thanks to the mentoring of their coach/mom!

She’s also pictured.

Last evening…

near Bishop California…

there was a tragic accident involving three vehicles.

One of the vehicles…

one of three vans full of athletes from California Baptist University…

suffered a fatality…

and serious injuries.

One of “our kids” was in that van.

She is in serious condition in a hospital in Mammoth…

to which she and others were air lifted.

She is currently stable.

I opened a discussion about tension Monday.

There have been some great contributions.

I hope that there will be more.

One of the tensions that wasn’t even on my radar…

but is currently in the forefront…

is this…

(and if you have young children…

listen up anyway…

because you WILL “get there!”)

That’s a promise.

Not a possibility.

There is the tension between young adults and parents.

It’s a healthy tension…

but often a delicate one.

You raise your kids…

Leadership Education model especially included…

to be independent…

self-sufficient…

responsible adults.

And yet…

what about the tension of naivete’…

on their part…

versus the “life experience”…

and exposure to “impossibilities”…

on yours?

Without the experience that you have…

they can’t be as mature and objective…

as they often need to be.

Because “society at large”…

sees and acknowledges them as adults.

Life is…

for the most part…

all that is delightful and good in their world.

They’re on a perpetual upswing…

for now.

You…

on the other hand…

have experienced the bittersweet balance…

that exists between what-if-I-don’t-get-that-position…

(or whatever you’d use to fill in the blank)…

and can’t provide what is needed?

Tension between idealism and reality…

and knowing how to leverage…

the relationship that you worked so tirelessly…

to cultivate with your “child-that-is-now-an-adult”…

for the ultimate good and benefit of all…

is a significant tension, for sure!

Their infallibility would normally be included somewhere in there as well.

But not today.

Or even this week.

Possibly not this month, either.

Because “our girl”, Alicia…

is lying in a hospital…

fighting a lot of things.

Both physically and mentally.

Won’t you please remember her and her family…

in your thoughts and prayers?

And Alicia…

for all the times that you went at me or Mr. Helms…

with full gusto…

and your toes-on-the-line…

the times you laugh hysterically…

even when you should have chosen silence…

the joy…

the now seemingly benign “defiance”…

that is often misplaced by zealous..

well-meaning..

up-and-coming young leaders…

could you use all of that robust energy…

and get well?

And while your at it…

know with all your heart, mind and soul…

that there is a God that loves you…

cares for you…

and miraculously spared you?

Thanks.

Oh…

and one last thing…

I don’t think I’ve told you since January…

how much I love you…

and how proud I am of you!

Now get busy, okay?

Moms, Dads, Mentors, Friends…

Brothers, Sisters…

and everyone in between…

a hug and a soft answer…

go a long way in easing negative tension…

while validating and enforcing the necessity of its presence.

By all means…

go practice!

A special thanks to my brother, Tim Driver…

who is not a biological parent…

but yet a parent-figure, friend, and extraordinary mentor to many…

including his big sister.

Thanks for leveraging tension so beautifully this afternoon…

like you always do…

and for giving me the inspiration for this blog post…

when I was grieving too deeply to do it alone.

I love you bunches.

Until Friday,

Filed under Leadership Education, Real Life | Comments (5)

Ahh…It’s Good to be Back!

My dear friend, Kim, and her sister’s Tammie and Trisha have grown up on the family tradition of Dodger baseball.  That tradition continues with Tammie’s 3 year old daughter.  Every time the Dodgers play, one of these lovely ladies is sitting with Dad in the same seats that they have had since they were kids…only now he is joined by his granddaughter as well.

This adorable photo was sent to me entitled: Ahh, It’s Good to be Back!  The smell of fresh cut grass…the hot dogs…the lemonade…Where the heck is Manny?! (Ramirez)

My Hero husband has loved the Dodgers himself, since he was a boy of five…

Even when he didn’t reside in the state of California.

Sports offer tremendous mentoring opportunities for team work, leadership skills, and personal development.

Unfortunately, they have taken a place in American culture that can also be unhealthy in the image and messages that are portrayed.

My brother, Tim Driver, who is a phenomenal example of mentoring through athletics, sent me the following article.  It is a profile of one of his players.

It is also a beautiful example of multi-generational mentoring that I think most parents secretly hope for…that your child will out perform your own mastery!

If you struggle to find healthy role models in the athletic world…

Consider and research the following…

Vince Lombardi.  John Wooden.  Tony Dungy. Bob Bowman.  Bruce Brown (proactivecoaching.info)

Let the games begin!

By JOEL WILLITS
Bellevue Reporter Sports Writer
Apr 15 2010, 11:19 AM · UPDATED
Craig Kairis still laughs when he thinks about the friendly father-son battles he’s had with his son Alex over the years.

Many times, Alex would playfully challenge his father – and every time, without fail, he’d end up on the ground, thanks to Craig’s background in judo.

“He was 13, 14 years old, bigger and stronger than me, and I could still drop him in a parking lot,” Craig said with a laugh. “I used to joke with him, saying ‘Hey Alex, which way do you want to fall this time?’”

Eventually, Alex got tired of falling.

The Newport senior, a standout linebacker for the Knights who plans to walk on at the University of Washington, came to his father one day last summer with a simple request – he wanted to learn judo.

So the Kairis’s went to Craig’s old stomping grounds, the Seattle Dojo, to get Alex started.

Then fate intervened.

As the pair walked into the dojo, Craig immediately spotted a familiar face. His old sensei, Fred Sato, was sitting in the dojo, watching others go through practice. The same man who took the elder Kairis to the rank of brown belt happened to be in the dojo after years away from judo.

“If you believe in fate, that’s what that was,” Alex said. “All the moons and stars lined up for me to see him that night.”

Sato, 82, is a long-time judo practitioner and fifth-degree black belt who has trained multiple national champions as well as Bruce Lee. “Coach”, as Craig Kairis calls him, first recruited the older Kairis when he was a sophomore on the Rainier Beach High School varsity football team. Several members of the team turned out for judo and Sato trained them, and Kairis, for several years.

It was only fitting he would be the one to train Alex. The younger Kairis began to work with Sato multiple times per week both at the Seattle Dojo and at his home in Steward Park.

“Coach really took Alex under his wing,” Craig said. “I really think he saw something in Alex. He likes his work ethic.”

Kairis also began training with Bert Mackey out of the Budokan dojo in Seattle, a well-known dojo that attracts several black belts and other “badasses”, as Kairis describes many of the judo players who train there.

Mackey, a 19-time Master’s level goal medalist, has coached the USA Pan-Am team in the past and provides a nice compliment to Sato in terms of Kairis’ judo development.

“I have the perfect storm of coaching,” Alex said. “They have a gold mine of information.”

“He’s got a lot of ability,” Sato said of Alex. “He’s shown a lot of potential and done very well so far. But he’s still a rookie.”

A rookie who has shown quite the aptitude for the sport thus far. Judo, for the uninitiated, is an extremely physical sport. There are three ways to win a judo match: choking an opponent out until they tap, pinning them for 25 seconds or, the most common, landing a throw. A judo throw that is an official throw must feature both the thrower and the throwee landing just right. When these moves are performed correctly, the judo player is awarded an ippon – “one point” – and the match ends. A waza-ari is a half-point that is awarded for a throw that does not have enough power or control to be awarded an ippon, or a hold that lasts twenty seconds. Two waza-ari points constitute the full point needed for a judo win. A yuko is a lower grade of point that counts only as a tie-breaker.

If the scores are identical at the end of a match, the match goes into a sudden death situation where the first judo player to score any points wins.

With its physical nature, it’s no wonder the linebacker has excelled at judo.

“It’s man versus man – just how tough are you?,” Alex said. “You decide whether you win or lose. You can’t blame a missed block or a certain play. It’s all up to you.”

In his short time in the sport thus far, Kairis has racked up some big accomplishments in his Gi, the traditional judo uniform. He’s risen to the rank of blue belt (only brown and black are higher) and captured a state title in late February. Kairis took first place in the blue belt division of the Washington State Judo Championship on Feb. 20. He also came in second place in the brown/black division as the only blue belt participating in the division. Kairis went 5-1 overall on the day.

“It was all really sublime,” he said. “It wasn’t just luck because I was doing the fundamentals that I’d been taught.”

Kairis followed that up with a third place finish in the 220-pound division of the USA Junior Nationals, held in Spokane March 12-14. The top-two finishers were both members of the USA Junior World team. In his final match, Kairis needed just nine seconds to defeat his opponent to earn third.

“One day when we were training, sensai Sato said that he really wanted another national champion,” Alex said. “That’s something that I’ve been trying to live up to. This national tournament was a place I could make a name for myself.”

Alex followed up that with a second-place finish in the Open Division at the same tournament, a division he entered simply to get more competition.

“Seeing as how I’ve faced these nationally-ranked guys now, I don’t have to be nervous any more,” Alex said. “I’m not going to face any better competition then these guys. It’s a new perspective for me.”

The big-time tournament performances have not been the only highlight.

A quick look at the film points to Kairis’ aptitude in the sport.

In one match on April 3 at a Mercer Island tournament, Kairis approaches his opponent, ties him up and quickly tosses him to the mat for the win. Barely five seconds pass between the handshake and Kairis’ win.

“I barely got the camera on,” the viewer can hear Craig Kairis exclaim.

Alex won first place in both Men’s Novice, blue belt and below as well as Men’s Senior, brown/black belt.

It’s also important to remember that Alex is a linebacker at heart. During a small tournament in Portland, Kairis faced off against an opponent 90 pounds heavier than himself at 300 pounds. Halfway through the match, the opponent head-butted Kairis on accident. Kairis, admittedly mad, went right at the bigger opponent and quickly put him down and pinned him.

“The linebacker in me came out right then,” Alex said with a laugh. “That was a football thing, not judo. Just pure adrenaline.”

For now, Kairis plans to continue his training in judo and has set a goal to become a member of the U.S. Junior World team and possibly the Olympic team, an opportunity of a lifetime, he said. Once Kairis turns 19 next year, he’ll be considered a senior and will be fighting those of any age.

“This is my last year to really make an impact on the junior end of it,” Kairis said. “I fell in love with it the first week I was in it and this is a life-long thing I can do.”

One other benefit to judo? Dad no longer has the upper hand.

“He used to be able to flip me anytime, anywhere,” Alex said. “Now that I know my way around judo, I could do the same thing to him. It’s kind of satisfying.”

“He loves throwing me down now,” Craig said. “You should see the smile on his face now – he’ll say ‘dad, don’t even try it.’”

Bellevue Reporter Sports Writer Joel Willits can be reached at jwillits@bellevuereporter.com or 425-453-5045.

Filed under Leadership Education, Uncategorized | Comments (3)

BOOK (in front of) FACE, so we can share ideas on FACEBOOK!

On February 22, 2010, I made the announcement within a Love of Learning post, that TommyMom was officially on Facebook.

On April 7th, I published a post on Power in Leadership Education featuring Dambisa Moyo.  It has sparked a lot of interest.  Some of you left public comments on the post; others of you e-mailed me privately.

Still another question that is asked quite a lot is; how, if you don’t live in close proximity to a conference, can you have the opportunity to interact in the Leadership Education Community at large, in order to benefit?

We’re going to try something in hopes of strengthening and broadening the Leadership Education base.

We’d love to include all that practice Jeffersonian Leadership Education principles…

and those that just love to read and support  a more socially aware, responsible citizenry in our country.

There are even some “mavens” of the Leadership Education community that have been involved in a book group for quite some time…

that are eager to chime in!

WOO-HOO!

I bless you ladies, and thank you in advance!

So here are the details…

You will need to have or set up an account on FACEBOOK.

I can assure you, if you don’t currently have one…

or have listened to the hype surrounding this socially interactive cyberspace modality…

you will survive.

And you won’t be flooded or inundated with inappropriate information…

contacted by 3, 749, 810 people from your former high school…

or targeted by every group and forum on the web.

When I registered TommyMom…

I held my breath and waited with sweating palms for all of these things to happen.

None of them did.

In fact, I have quite enjoyed the interactions that FACEBOOK has afforded me thus far…

and have watched Sons #1-#3 use it extensively for all kinds of opportunities to interact with others.

Perhaps we had better consider that in this highly technological age…

a large piece of the “Great Conversation” is going to undoubtedly use social media…

to discuss, ruminate upon, and engage great ideas and thoughts.

We are going to launch a colloquium on TommyMom…

to begin May 10, 2010…

under “Discussions.”

If you would like to be included in this opportunity…

simply read this book…

Log in to FACEBOOK on May 10, 2010…

and begin dialoguing!

It would be great if you could post a picture in your profile when you set it up as well.

Thanks to my brother, Tim Driver for encouraging the use of this free, clean format venue…

in order to incite healthy discussion and dialogue…

available world-wide…

24/7…

at-your-anyone-can-contribute-and-participate convenience!

See if you can find a copy of Dead Aid at your library…

or remember, if you order through Amazon, using our affiliate button…

we get credit towards gift cards…

which in turn, will be given away on TommyMom!

I’ll leave you with a couple of excerpts from the book, Dead Aid.

Compelling…

gut-wrenching…

thought provoking.

I can hardly wait to hear from all of you!

Let the reading begin!

“To the Excellencies and officials of Europe.  We suffer enormously in Africa.  Help us.  We have problems in Africa.  We lack rights as children.  We have war and illness, we lack food…We want to study, and we ask you to help us to study so we can be like you, in Africa.”

Message found on the bodies of Guinean teenagers Yaguine Koita and Fode Tounkara, stowaways who died attempting to reach Europe in the landing gear of an airliner.

And this, from the Foreword by Niall Ferguson…

“It has long seemed to me problematic, and even a little embarrassing, that so much of the public debate about Africa’s economic problems should be conducted by non-African white men.  From the economists …to the rock stars.., the African discussion has been colonized as surely as the African continent was a century ago.

The simple fact that Dead Aid is the work of an African black woman is the least of the reasons why you should read it.  But it is a good reason nonetheless.

Born and raised in Zambia, Dambisa Moyo also brings to her subject a rare combination of academic expertise and ‘real world’ experience.  Her training in economics took her from the World Bank to Harvard and on to Oxford, where she obtained her doctorate.  Since leaving the academy, she has spent eight highly successful years at Goldman Sachs, most recently as Global Economist and Strategist.  It’s quite a CV.

And this is quite a book…”

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Dan Ralphs: A “Modern Day Ghandi”

Dan Ralphs mentors at Williamsburg Academy in Cedar City, Utah.  Here, they follow the Oxford/St.John’s model of education where the students become not only learners, but teachers as well.   Dan will be mentoring the Youth Conference at the FATJEF in Rancho Cucamonga, April 24, 2010.  You can go to the registration tab here on Tommymom, download the form and register today!  It’s $35.00/student and this includes lunch!  Register early to reserve your space.

Hey, Dan!…It’s always such a pleasure to talk with you.  I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to do this.

Well, I feel really honored to be featured on Tommymom. You know that I recently became a subscriber, so I’m “in.”  I can’t believe that the powers that be, saw fit to feature me.

What can I say?  I know people.  And I happen to live with Sons #1-#5 that think that you are nothing short of amazing!  They love you, the three older ones love attending your workshops, and feel privileged to call you a friend.  Actually…can I confess something?  They call you “A Modern Day Ghandi.”  And it’s usually followed by hysterical peals of laughter.   They all need to get a life!

Actually, it’s funny that you would say that.  My mom was a telephone operator in Southeast Los Angeles during the Watt’s riots in the 1960’s.  She was in a pretty precarious position answering the phones in those days, because she would pick up, hear people yelling and carrying on, and asking for help; then she would have to connect them to their parties.  So she heard everything that was going on.  At one point in particular, they decided that the racial tensions were running so high, my mom needed an armed escort to bring her home from work!  She was honored that they felt that way, but honestly for her personally, there was probably very little danger.  Her family was the one family on the block where every race and creed came to play and fellowship in the front yard.  My grandfather wouldn’t accept anything less.  That’s where I get the “Ghandi” trait from…both my grandfather and my mother.

We feel really privileged that you are going to be running the youth forum for the FATJEF here in California.

I have be honest. I love youth, so the pleasure and privilege are mine.  For the past 12-13 years, I’ve been working with them on one level or another.  I’ve coordinated groups of 1200 for student conferences and I’ve also mentored one-on-one in the classroom.  I believe that one of the most real, vulnerable straightforward times of our lives is that window of time between 12-14 years of age.  We develop paradigms and perceptions of who we are and what our lives are about between 14-18 years of age.  I think this age window has more times of epiphany and impact than 18-22.  Working with youth and guiding them to figure things out has become my mission and my life on this planet.

Is there any particular reason that you enjoy coming to California for this forum?  This will be your third year.

Kids are different all over the country and the dynamics are very different wherever you go; but Southern California kids are a blast!  Perhaps it’s because I’m from California, but they are a true joy and a lot of fun to work with.  They are engaging and possess great thought processes.  There is a great cross section of diversity and culture to blend with as well.  I have a great time every time I’m here.

Can you share with us what you will be doing for the youth forum?

The topic of our workshop for that day is “Leadership Education for Teens.”

Here’s what it comes down to for high school aged students.  If they don’t have purpose in their studies, they become very hollow.  One of the huge mistakes that is commonly made in conventional educational models is the statement that high school education exists so that we can go on to college.  Coupled with this statement is often the assumption that ALL high school aged individuals are going to accept that and want nothing more.  What I am hoping to convey to the students and the message that I hope they embrace is how we can all connect purpose to education and how we choose to perform within that purpose.  For example, I had a student that was passionate about music.  Yet, she really struggled to find the relevance in history and her need to know it.  Once she understood that knowing history would enhance her passion and understanding of music; she knew that it was her responsibility to transfer from “duty” to “love.”  It totally clicked.  The question that we will be considering and discussing is, “How do we become leadership education students that aren’t just basing our studies on a model?”

This sounds amazing, as always. Are you going to have required readings in order to prepare?

Not for this particular workshop. I want people to feel like they could bring a friend at the last minute or just “show up” the day of the event.  It’s an important concept to grasp, so I want as many kids as possible to be able to come.

Isn’t Tim Driver working with you and presenting as well?

Yes, he is.  I’m really excited about this.  He will be presenting to the older kids after lunch about “Leaving an Integrity Footprint in the Drug and Alcohol Culture.” This is such an important message for youth to hear from a solid mentor.  Everyone is affected by this culture, whether families think so or not.

What’s happening with your personal interests/hobbies these days, Mr. Ralphs?

Well, as you know, I am an avid sports fan in general, and I consistently play basketball and volleyball weekly.  I’m learning to love the outdoors, rock climbing and repelling, and canyoneering.  Honestly?  My true passion is teaching.  I’ve decided that even if it wasn’t my profession, I would do it.

Care to share your “latest reads” with us?

I recently read Uncle Tom’s Cabin and that was completely transformational for me.  It honestly taught me what it means to be a true Christian.

Les Miserables has always been a favorite of mine…

I’m a huge biography fan, and I really really enjoyed Ghandi’s biography.  A lot of people didn’t, but I did.

( Gee, what a shocker!…)

I’m also really getting back into C.S. Lewis these days.

Would you like to close with a principle that you live by?

“Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.”

As always, it’s been a real pleasure, Dan.

Oh totally for me too, Teri.  I always love talking with you.

Will you please tell the “too-cute-for-words” wife, Allison, “hello” for me?

I certainly will.  She’s in the other room trying to corral the “in-the-upper-percentile-of-cute” kids into doing something constructive!  Something tells me that she’s probably not enjoying herself quite as much as we are right now.

Okay, over and out, Ghandiji!

Filed under In the Spotlight..., Leadership Education | Comments (4)

Oh Brother!

Tim Driver has been in education for 23 years. During this time, he has been both a teacher and an administrator.He’s taught a spectrum that includes everything from junior high to graduate school. Some of his most effective work has been with at-risk youth; designing and implementing a program specifically for them and running it successfully for 12 years in the Lake Washington School District.

He has also coached at the high school level in four different sports for 24 years, with numerous trips to state tournaments and a state championship in 1992.

He will be speaking at the upcoming FATJEF in Rancho Cucamonga on Saturday, April 24, 2010.

The reason for the slightly casual, somewhat irreverent approach to this interview?

He also happens to be my kid brother. As awesome as he is, in the eyes of his older sister…

he’s still a “punk!”

Favorite book:

The Bible, No Other Alternative (when it gets published) a book that he has written, chronicling his journey with the founding and administering of his at-risk youth program.

Favorite sibling: Never mind… ;0)

I have no favorite sibling…………..I’m an only twin.

Favorite board game:

I’d have to say chess at this point in my life. That may change to checkers as I age.

Anything else along these lines you’d like to cough up?

Love to write lyrics and thought provoking comedy. I also speak all over the place to many groups as well. I enjoy that very much.

Why did you go into teaching?

All through school, people would ask me to help them in one class or another.  I got to the place where I gained a little bit of confidence there. But it wasn’t until I worked with high school at-risk kids that I decided that was what I wanted to do. I also had many GREAT teachers such as Bruce Brown, Thad McManus and Don Harney who were great role models for me; along with Mary Ousley, Jim Murphy, and too many others to name.

Favorite subject:

History, Political Science, as it relates to teaching people how to study it.

While I happen to know that teaching is a passion; for you coaching happens to be right up there with it. Why do you love to mentor in this way?

Coaching IS teaching. John Wooden never called himself a coach, but a teacher.

Just as in the classroom, you’re teaching so much more than your subject or sport. You are teaching life lessons.

The reason I enjoy coaching so much is because you can see growth in kids’ lives so dramatically over a 3-4 year stretch.

The title of one of your presentations for the upcoming FATJEF in April is “Helicopter Parenting: It Isn’t a Good Idea. Do you care to expound and explain?

Parents have an INCREDIBLY important role in the lives of their children. But some parents don’t understand that ONE of those roles is to teach them independence. Parents who never let their kids have a problem, a conflict, or a struggle without their intervention are doing their kids a huge disservice. I will be discussing some strategies that parents can use to create boundaries for themselves, that allow them to still be actively involved but in appropriate ways.

What, in your perspective, is a healthy balance between a “Helicopter Parent” household and the public school situation described in John Taylor Gatto’s article “The Seven Lesson Schoolteacher?”( keeping in mind that most parents really do want what is best for their children.)

Not to oversimplify, but if people are relying on school to fully educate their children, they are in trouble. Likewise, if people are counting on home to fully educate their children, they are in equal trouble.

I think that even when people do a good job of home educating their kids, there is still a tremendous fear that they aren’t measuring up. One of the greatest things you helped me to realize, is that there is a very fine line between an at-risk youth and a driven honor student. It really makes you think about motive. Care to explain this one?

I have not met a competent teacher yet that doesn’t question their own effectiveness. We ALL do.

Having taught both ends of the spectrum, from junior high, up through the graduate college level; I can say confidently that people are people. Labels that are attached to them can have incredible impact. I’ve found that honors kids are really quite deficient in some areas, scared to death that people will discover it. Likewise, at-risk kids are incredibly PROficient in some areas, equally as scared that someone will find out. Grad students are no different.

What is one of the greatest life skills or character traits in your opinion that you believe a parent or mentor can model for kids?

Integrity

What is the greatest thing that a student ever taught you?

That I need to have a teachable spirit every day and learn every bit as much from others as I am expecting others to learn.

Anything else you want to say at this time? ( Bear in mind that I can censor you at the click of a button) But go ahead…really.

Is the witness excused?

Thanks for doing this for me….

Not a problem. I actually cheated off of someone else’s paper.

I will attempt at some point in 2010 to do at least 3 kind things for you in return…

maybe.

I shant hold my breath.

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